Lingering Tragedies
A hostage situation on set leads to something far more gruesome. Will Jared be strong enough to hold on? Can Jensen fix the broken pieces of their lives? Will life ever be the same again? “I couldn’t protect him,” Jensen whispers brokenly. “How fucking pathetic is that? I couldn’t protect my best friend, my... Fuck, Chris, he’s everything... and I couldn’t… I…I love him, Chris...”
9,000 words, WARNING: Graphic non-con. NC-17, hurt!Jared
♥
I felt the bulbous head forcing its way inside of me, scraping against the dry walls like sandpaper. Pain. Pain I had never in my wildest of nightmares even deemed possible.
It was just an armed robbery. Some assholes trying to steal the hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of camera, lighting and sound equipment.
This was what I got for trying to be a martyr. If my mouth hadn’t been in the middle of a scream, I would have laughed at the irony.
My body was bruised and broken from fighting, but that was nothing. It wasn’t pain that caused my eyes to blur over, it was shame, humiliation. My one comfort was that I was unable to see the watching faces. The tearful, shouting, horrified faces.
But I could still hear Jensen’s yells – even above my own. They made my chest ache with the need to soothe him, but I didn’t have the strength any more. I could barely believe that only ten minutes ago I told him it was okay, that we would all be okay.
I hadn’t imagined this happening.
As the man behind me continued pounding his way into me, I dropped my head, staring down at the ground, unable to continue my weak struggles. I was being punched from the inside, my body jerking with his every thrust, even as my fingers scraped the ground in a weak attempt to pull away from the pain.
Bile spewed from my lips, splattering onto the grass beneath me, and I could do nothing when my arms gave out and I landed face-first in my own waste.
It was sickening.
Hands clutched bruisingly at my hips, sharp nails digging in, making me shudder with repulsion, even as I tried to take my mind off what was happening. I tried to picture things that made me happy, but even Jensen’s fond, exasperated smile was painful to visualise. It was that, more than anything, which sent me over the edge.
Nothing mattered, not anymore. For the first time in my life, I just wanted to give up entirely. I lay there with my face pressed into filth, and I longed for death.
I barely heard the sirens or the flurry of movement around me. When the thing inside of me was suddenly wrenched out, my body convulsed, but unconsciousness still evaded me; death still evaded me.
A whimper escaped my lips; I could do nothing to stifle it. There were sounds of a struggle nearby, but I just lay there, unable to move. I hurt everywhere.
Someone’s hand fell gently on my shoulder, pulling me around. And then Jensen’s anguished face was there. His palm slid over my skin, cupping my cheek gently, but I couldn’t stop the flinch. There were tears streaming down his face as he yanked off his jacket, throwing it over me. I knew he was just trying to help, but I wanted him to leave. I didn’t want him to see me like this – but that was pointless, he’d already seen everything.
Strangers in uniforms took Jensen’s place, their hands touching me. It was too much, I couldn’t stop the terror from flooding back into my veins. There was a sharp prick of pain, and my world began to fade. I sank into darkness, grateful for the reprieve.
♥
“…his parents?”
Jensen jumps and turns, dragging his gaze away from Jared’s unconscious form. “Sor-” he clears his throat and tries again, “Sorry?”
Misha shifts nervously, his face a sickly pale, his eyes tormented. “His parents, have you called them?”
He hasn’t been able to think of a thing beyond Jared. He shakes his head.
“I’ll get someone to do it,” Misha murmurs, his eyes falling to Jared’s bruised form. “How’s… how’s he doing…”
Jensen just shakes his head again, unable to find words.
“Have you been seen to by the doctor? You took some bad hits.”
Jensen’s eyes fall closed as he tries not to scream. Instead he chokes out, “I’m fine.”
He wants to yell at the man: ask him if he remembers just why Jensen is fine and his boyfriend is lying brokenly on the bed beside him. But he doesn’t. It isn’t Misha’s fault.
As Misha folds onto the chair opposite, the anger within Jensen seeps away. His eyes remain closed as he chokes out a whisper, “He’s going to hate me.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Jensen.”
Jensen’s eyes snap open; “If I hadn’t… he wouldn’t...” he trails off, unable to deal with what happened.
“It wasn’t you who did this. You didn’t rape him, Jensen. The bastard whose fault it really is, he’s going to spend the rest of his fucking life behind bars. It was not your fault.”
Jensen’s gaze falls on the young man lying motionless beside him, his eyes trailing over the broken skin and bruises, but all he can see is his beautiful best friend, the man who has done nothing wrong in his life, the last man who deserves to have something this awful happen to him.
How could something like this have happened? How could everything have changed in the space of a single afternoon? Stuff like this isn’t real, not in their lives. Of all the things, all the dangers, this had never even crossed Jensen’s mind.
There’s movement from opposite the bed as Misha leans forwards, brushing his lips over Jared’s forehead before pulling away. “I’m going to see what’s happening out there.”
Jensen can only nod, his throat clogged up and his eyes raw.
After the man has left, Jensen compulsively leans forwards, pressing his lips over the spot Misha touched, replacing it with his own kiss. Breathing out heavily, he whispers, “I’m so sorry, Jay. So… so fucking sorry.”
He pulls back as a crease lines Jared’s forehead, watching the fluttering beneath the man’s eyelids with trepidation. His shoulders hike up, tensing while Jared slowly goes through the waking phases. Jensen wants his boyfriend to wake up – obviously he does – but he isn’t ready to see the accusation; isn’t ready to see the pain. Jared’s eyes are expressively heart-wrenching enough without this.
There’s a soft, whimpered sound and then the kid is curling up on his side, into a trembling ball that Jensen just wants to shield from the world.
His hand is on Jared’s shoulder before he knows it and the younger man flinches against the touch, a pained cry escaping his lips.
“Jay… Jared?” At the sound, Jared falls still. “Hey, man…” Jensen swallows thickly, “It’s just me.”
If anything, Jared’s shoulders only tense further.
Tugging gently at the kid’s arm, Jensen pulls him around. He tries to look into Jared’s eyes, but the man’s head is bowed, bangs forming a screen between the two of them. Jensen moves to brush the hair from his friend’s face, but Jared shies back, hissing as he does.
With a heavy, sinking feeling in his chest, Jensen reaches for the button beside the bed, calling for the nurse.
♥
“He’s doesn’t even look at me, Chris…” Jensen murmurs miserably, his eyes scratchy and sore as he gazes across the room at Jared’s form. Chris leans further against the doorframe, his arm brushing against Jensen’s in silent comfort.
“He doesn’t look at anyone, man.”
Shaking his head fiercely, Jensen tries to swallow down the sobs. “I couldn’t do anything. They had me… they had me on the floor with their gun at me… I couldn’t… Chris… there was nothing…”
A warm hand falls on his shoulder, followed by a quiet, “I know, man.” Chris pulls him around, meeting his gaze firmly, “And Jared knows that too.”
“I couldn’t protect him,” Jensen whispers brokenly. “How fucking pathetic is that? I couldn’t protect my best friend, my... Fuck, Chris, he’s everything... and I couldn’t… I…I love him, Chris...”
“I know you do, Jen. Anyone who knows a thing about you two knows how you feel about each other.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
Before Chris can reply, there’s a stifled moan of pain and Jensen is darting across the room again, folding to his knees beside the bed, hands shifting restlessly against the covers as he gazes down at his friend.
Jensen can only watch uselessly as Jared thrashes from side to side and the face made to smile contorts in pain and fear.
“It should’ve been me.”
That has Chris moving across the room, dropping his hands heavily on Jensen’s shoulders. “Don’t think like that, Jensen. It shouldn’t have been either of you, and just imagine, if you were in Jared’s position, how do you think the kid would be feeling? He’d be just as upset as you are, but would you blame him if it happened to you?”
Jensen’s head slowly moves from left to right.
“Exactly, man; so don’t you go blaming yourself. You know Jared won’t.”
Despite his friend’s words, Jensen knows he’s to blame. He is the one who wound the men up. He is the one who caused this.
As he hears Chris’ footsteps fade down the corridor outside, Jensen slips onto the bed beside Jared, curling carefully around his boyfriend, a hand resting on Jared’s chest, feeling the pulse below his fingers.
The guilt is bitter in his throat, the sound of Jared’s screams still loud in his ears, all accompanied by the awful realisation that had dawned seconds before everything fell apart. A shudder passes through him as he remembers the laughter shining in the men’s eyes, the smirks and taunting.
The helplessness.
He falls into a fitful sleep, tortured by his thoughts.
♥
♥
“Everybody, on the floor! Now!” The man’s voice roared through the loudspeaker. Panicked murmuring spread through the crew members and then there was a scream. The scream set things into motion and everyone was suddenly running, for help or self-preservation, only they knew.
It was Jeff who first lunged at one of the attackers, but the rest of us quickly joined him: our fists flying rapidly and deftly.
We were stronger than the attackers and the fight seemed in our favour. But as the masked men drew weapons, everything fell silent, all eyes transfixed.
The man behind the loudspeaker smirked, ordering his men to start tying us up, but Jensen, obviously hoping that someone had been able to get away to follow security measures and alert the cops, began yelling loudly, trying to draw the attention towards himself, “Put those fucking things away and fight like men! Or are you all just a bunch of fucking cowards, hiding behind your toys like kids.” A sneer formed on his lips and he spat at the nearest one, catching him in the eye.
Before anyone could do a thing to help him, Jensen was being dragged forwards, gun-nozzle pressed to his forehead and a fist slamming into his gut. At the sight of my boyfriend falling to his knees, I raced forwards, only to be cut off by another barrel pointing my way.
Jensen just spat the blood from his mouth and snarled up at the man, trying to keep them from targeting me, “Without those fucking weapons, you’d be dead men and you know it.”
More blows came, unrelenting and furious, reducing Jensen to a limp form on the ground. Just as the ringleader was raising his gun, I broke free from the grip of the two men and lunged forwards, putting myself between the weapon and my lover. “Please,” I begged, knowing it would be suicidal to both me and Jensen if I were to fight at this stage. “Just let him go. What are you here for? Money? Just tell me how much and I’ll get it for you. Just don’t hurt him anymore.”
There was a pained groan from behind me and I spun around, just in time to stop my co-star from landing face down on the ground for a second time. I pulled my boyfriend close, running my fingers gently through his hair as I whispered, “It’s okay, Jens. We’re gonna to be okay, man.”
With my friend still in my arms, I turned back to the gun-wielder and tried again. “Please, I’ll do anything. Just don’t hurt him anymore.”
The man adjusted his grip on the weapon slightly, his head tilted to the side as if he was considering it. My arms tightened around my boyfriend and I tried once again, “Please.”
“Anything, huh?” the man asked with a leer. I swallowed, and nodded.
♥
I wake drenched in cold sweat, my chest heaving and my throat hoarse. For several moments I stare up at the bland ceiling, my interest in moving miniscule. There doesn’t seem to be a point in trying. My body aches in ways it never has before; in ways that cause disgust to crawl over my skin like a diseased creature.
There’s movement from beside me and I reluctantly turn towards it, my eyes falling on Jensen. He’s bent awkwardly in the plastic seat beside the bed, his head resting on his arm and his face tilted towards me. He looks terrible; more exhausted than I’ve ever seen him.
I want to reach out for him, want to comfort him and tell him it’s okay. But I don’t want to lie. Nothing about me feels okay. I’m not even certain I will ever feel okay again. The desire to rip myself from this body, to be somewhere else, somewhere safe, is consuming.
I just want it to be over.
It would be so easy. One tiny thing and I could be free of this all, this shame and disgust and fear.
For a moment I’m tempted.
Then I take in the worried creases at the corners of Jensen’s eyes and I realise I can’t do it to him. It would be selfish and childish, not to mention cowardly.
Much as I want to run and hide; I can’t do that. I have responsibilities and people who need me. Tears begin to trickle down my face at the unfairness of it all, and I feel my cheeks heat up in a mixture of anger and humiliation. This shouldn’t be affecting me this much. I’m a grown man: I can take all of this on my shoulders.
But that’s what it boils down to: I’m a grown man. I’m a grown man and this happened to me. How did I let this happen to me? What kind of man am I? It’s pathetic; I get so scared if anyone comes near me, except Jensen. He doesn’t make me feel scared, just dirty.
The most ironic thing of all is that I wanted Jensen to be my first. I was ‘saving myself’ for him, so to speak – gay sex wise – and he always respected my need to go slow. He’d been with a man before; I hadn’t.
But, I guess now I have.
Bile rises quickly, but I swallow it down and roll over onto my side, hiding my face from my boyfriend.
How could he ever want me after this?
♥
“Jensen… his parents are here,” Jeff murmurs, voice low as if to keep the peace – the nonexistent peace.
It’s on unsteady legs that Jensen hoists himself, and he stumbles towards the doorway, nodding at Chris as he passes. Despite being loathe to leave Jared’s side, Jensen knows he can’t hog the time selfishly.
But, after passing the Padalecki’s with silent hugs, he finds himself unable to remain motionless in one of the dozen waiting chairs. He begins pacing.
Up and down.
Up and down.
He continues until Misha steps into his pathway.
“Man,” Misha whispers, shaking him by the shoulders. “He’s going to be okay, Jensen. We’re here for him. You’re here for him. He’s going to get through this.”
Jensen swallows thickly and shakes his head. “Not if he doesn’t let us be here for him.”
With a soft sigh, Misha pulls the distraught man into his arms, squeezing him tightly. “He’s going to be okay. I know it. The kid’s stubborn enough, you know that” Then he pulls back, his nose wrinkled. “Dude, no offence, but you seriously stink. You haven’t been out of here in the past three days, have you?”
Jensen doesn’t even have it in him to huff a laugh. He just shrugs and resumes his pacing.
♥
It’s torture to see them all. My mom is crying, her body shaking, and it’s clear her arms are desperate to encircle me. I know I’m hurting her as I pull away, but I can’t do a thing about it. My pulse rate is rocketing, my breaths shortening; I don’t want to have a breakdown in front of my kid sister.
They know, I can see it in their eyes.
I pull away and force a smile.
My tongue feels thick and puffy as I lie to them, telling them I’m feeling fine, that I’ll be ready to go back to work soon, that I’m okay.
When the nurse finally comes in to usher them out, I’m ashamed to admit that I’m relieved. I don’t have the strength to comfort or reassure them, not when I’m falling apart myself.
♥
There’s now a collection of get-well gifts piled around Jared’s room. Balloons, teddy bears, and candy in the truckloads.
But each time someone comes in, wishing Jared well and offering support, he only looks more weary, the patches beneath his eyes darkening. It hurts Jensen to see his lover like that.
It angers him to see the shadows his friend is being forced to carry. He‘s desperate to help, desperate to be there for Jared, to support him through this, but he doesn’t know how. Every touch is flinched at. Even the softest of words are met only by the hanging of the kid’s head. And worst of all, Jared still hasn’t even looked up into his eyes yet.
Tears often map their way down Jensen’s cheeks when no one else is looking. When Jared is asleep and Jensen is alone in the room. Alone with his broken lover. Alone with the anger and frustration and pain and horror. And guilt – the guilt comes to him in thick, stifling waves, pulling him under.
The only contact Jared allows is when he sleeps and has no say, but Jensen takes whatever he can. When he has Jared, warm and alive, in his arms, he can sometimes pretend all this isn’t real. He casts them back into fond memories of before. When Jared was all laughter and energy; when personal space was nonexistent; when Jensen’s touch was encouraged and reciprocated. When all this hadn’t even been a dark shadow on the horizon and Jensen’s life couldn’t have been more perfect.
Sometimes, while he lies there awake, stroking his fingers down Jared’s cheeks, selfish thoughts come to him. He wants to shake Jared until he hugs back, he wants to shout at him, tell him to look him in the eyes and know that Jensen’s not one he should flinch from.
He just wants his boyfriend to get better; to trust him. To smile.
But then, when Jensen’s thoughts are interrupted by a soft pained whimper from Jared’s lips as the man is dragged into his nightly nightmares, Jensen hides his face in the dip of Jared’s neck, resigned to do as the psychiatrist ordered and allow Jared to heal.
“I love you,” he whispers, carding his fingers through the man’s hair. There’s a faint mumbled sigh as the kid leans unconsciously into the touch, and Jensen breaks out into a warm smile, leaning forwards to press his lips over Jared’s and whisper again, “Love you so fucking much, Jay.”
It isn’t much at all, but to Jensen it’s everything.
After brushing more kisses over the man’s forehead, nose and cheeks, Jensen lays his head down on the pillow and lets his eyes slide closed.
♥
“The doctors say you’re going to be able to come home soon.”
I don’t look up from the frayed edge of the blanket.
When Jensen slides his hand into mine, I can’t help automatically pulling away, but he just grips firmly, keeping my hand in his.
“Jay?”
I clear my throat and try, for Jensen, to speak. “That’s… good.”
Fingers tightening their hold of mine, he murmurs, “Yeah.” My hand is raised up to his lips and he presses a kiss to the back, before splaying my palm over his cheek and leaning into it. “Yeah, it’s good.”
My eyes flicker up, taking in the weariness and hunched up shoulders, taking in the pain and sorrow darkening his features, and I feel like dying. This is all because of me: me and my pathetic inability to deal with what happened.
I want to tell him how grateful I am for him being here for me, for him not leaving me. I want to tell him how much he means to me. Above all I want to beg him not to give up on me, not to dump me for someone more worthy of his love.
But I can’t.
My eyes fall back down to the bedspread and I pull my hand back.
♥
It’s the worst feeling: being unsure of whether your presence is welcome or not.
Jensen shifts from foot to foot, watching as his boyfriend slips beneath the covers of their bed.
There’s always the guest room, but Jensen knows he’ll die if he’s cast out there, where he slept during the time when they were only best friends, no more.
His swallow is audible in the silent room and he shifts awkwardly. “I could…” he waves in the direction of the door.
Jared’s voice is low and ragged as he whispers, “Please… come to bed.”
Beginning to strip out of his clothes, Jensen changes into a soft tee and boxers, not wanting to risk scaring the man with more exposed flesh.
Then he slides in beside Jared and lies there, just as awkwardly, with his gaze fixed on the ceiling. “You okay?” he asks, wanting to kick himself the second the words left his lips.
“Fine,” comes the responding untruth.
Jensen remembers when he first lay in this bed. He remembers how they giggled like schoolkids, rolling around and getting tangled in the sheets. He remembers how he pinned Jared beneath him, cradling the man’s gorgeous face in his palms. He remembers how the kiss had been, gentle and oh, so impossibly sweet. He remembers just how happy he felt when he wrapped his arms around his lover and gave in to sleep.
Jensen lets out a soft sigh, rolling onto his side to gaze at Jared’s profile.
Sleep is bitter, cold, and elusive.
♥
It’s been a week since they came home, three weeks since the incident, and nothing has changed. Jensen is tired, so, so tired of having to be careful all the time. He’s sick of being unsure. He wishes Jared would just let him in.
He’s tried apologising; desperately trying to get something out of the man, but it’s to no ado. At night they lie on their respective sides, neither sleeping, neither talking. It’s only when Jared’s breathing finally deepens that Jensen allows himself to curl behind the man, pulling him close. When Jared doesn’t pull away and doesn’t flinch, it’s as though a piece of Jensen’s heart has been fitted back into place.
But then the nightmares come.
Sometimes he can’t wake Jared up and is forced to watch as his lover pleads and shakes in spasms. It tears Jensen apart all over again.
Jared hasn’t cried, not properly. But Jensen has. He weeps over the lost innocence. He weeps in exhaustion. He weeps silently with his face buried in Jared’s curls, inhaling the scent that used to mean happiness and laughter.
He isn’t sure how much more of this either of them can take.
♥
“Jay?” he murmurs softly, and Jared jerks slightly, but doesn’t look up. “Jared... maybe... Your mother wants you to go stay with them for a bit... maybe... maybe it’d be better if you did?” It’s the last thing Jensen wants – to not have Jared within reach – but it seems his presence does nothing for Jared, which is understandable as Jensen is a guy, and after what happened it makes sense that Jared doesn’t want him around. He might heal better under the watchful eyes of the Padaleckis.
Or at least that’s what Jensen thought up until this moment, when Jared looks up with hurt and betrayal and resignation shining in his eyes. Then he drops his gaze and nods.
Suddenly sure he’s made an awful mistake, Jensen falls to his knees beside his lover. “Jay, it’s not that I don’t want you around. It’s just... it might be better for you, you might heal faster.”
“’s okay,” Jared murmurs, voice devoid of emotion. “I get it.”
“Jay... I just...” Jensen slides onto the couch beside him, wrapping him up into a tight hug, “I just want you to be okay.” Jared’s body is tense beside him, making the embrace uncomfortable and weird, but Jensen doesn’t let go.
Finally Jared whispers, “I don’t want to go to San Antone...” Before Jensen can say a thing, Jared pulls to his feet, “I’ll go stay in a hotel. Or... or maybe Chad will take me in...”
Jensen stares at Jared’s hunched, retreating form for a few seconds before the words sink in and he’s darting after the man, horror clutching at his chest.
He throws his arms around Jared, pulling him to a halt and hugging him tightly. “Jay... that’s not it at all. I want you here, I want you right here. I just also want what’s best for you and I thought maybe being with your family was what you wanted. I don’t want you to go, Jay. Fuck... please don’t go...”
How the hell did he manage to screw up this badly? Jensen has no idea what to do anymore. He just keeps hurting Jared even more.
Pressing his lips to the nape of Jared’s neck, he murmurs, “I love you, Jay.”
♥
I wake to the sounds of gasping. At first it takes me a while to realise that, for a change, they aren’t coming from me. Rolling onto my side, I blink at Jensen’s thrashing form.
The sight scares me more than I’ll care to admit, and I reach out tentatively. “Jen?”
His body shakes, and a pleading whisper escapes his lips, “Please… don’t hurt him… Don’t! No! Jared… Jared!”
Eyes widening in shock, I fist a handful of his shirt and tug. “Jensen, wake up!”
There’s a soft sobbing sound and Jensen falls still, another faint ‘No’ falling from his lips.
Tears glisten damply on my boyfriend’s cheeks and the sight jolts me, as if pulling me from a stupor. Jensen is hurting. I’m hurting him, hurting us both.
“Jen.” I shake him again.
This time he stirs, his eyes falling on me and instantly becoming concerned, “Jare, you okay?”
Emotion clogs my throat up and I stare at him desperately.
Jensen instantly reaches out a hand, carefully laying it on my shoulder as he whispers, “What is it, babe?”
My eyes flutter closed and I fall forwards against him, into his arms.
His breath catches and he rolls us over, arms sliding firmly around me, encircling me in a tight embrace that I can only sink into. Murmuring, I’m sorry, and, Never leave me, over and over again, I hide my face in the dip of his neck, breathing in deeply and finally relaxing for the first time since the incident.
He pulls back slightly, just enough to be able to meet my gaze, and he gently cups my cheek. Thumbing away my tears, he smiles at me with such relieved warmth and life shining from his eyes that I can only smile back.
Lips brush gently over mine as he chokes out huskily, “Fuck, Jay. Missed you so much. So fucking much, you have no idea. Wanted to touch you, hold you… keep you safe… So scared you’d never trust me again. So scared, Jare… Need you, man. We’re going to get through this together. Know we will.”
I’m sobbing as Jensen buries us beneath the covers. In that small, safe cocoon, he nudges me onto my side, facing him, and curls around me, strong arms circling around my waist and securing me flush against his chest. One of his legs slides over mine, enclosing me further in his warmth, and I merely snuggle closer, clinging to him tightly.
“God, Jay… so sorry I couldn’t stop them…” he whispers hoarsely into my ear, “I tried, Jare… I would’ve done anything to stop you hurting, anything… Fuck… I need you so much, man. Was so scared…”
His arms tighten further, hiding my face in the dip of his neck, keeping me safe in his warm scent.
“Feel so dirty, Jens… I can… His hands… can feel… them… Thought you wouldn’t want me... So dirty...”
“Jay...” he whispers, lips brushing over my cheek. “I love you, nothing could ever change that. I could never not want you. You hear me, Jay? I need you in my life, man.”
“I love you...” I choke out softly, clutching him closer.
Pressing his lips firmly down on my forehead, he murmurs back, “Love you too, baby. So goddamn much.”
For the first time since it happened, I let everything go. And, several long minutes later, when I finally stop crying, Jensen’s still right there, holding me through it.
♥
♥
“He looks good,” Misha whispers softly, smiling at Jared’s sleeping form, obviously seeing the lack of dark bruises beneath his eyes and the healthy flush that’s now taken over his cheeks.
Jensen nudges the man back out of the room and down the stairs, waiting until they’re in the kitchen before replying proudly, “Yeah, he’s doing well now. He’s going to be okay.”
Misha grins happily at him, “I never doubted he would. He’s got you.”
Blushing, Jensen ducks his head, rubbing at the back of his neck sheepishly. “Yeah,” he mumbles, “I wish I had the same confidence in myself as you guys all seem to have.”
“Jensen,” Misha snorts, “Just by being here, you’re helping him far more than any of us ever could. He loves you, thinks you’re the second coming. Nothing comes close to how he feels about you, seriously.”
“Ooookay,” a drawling voice mutters from the doorway, making them both jump. “I think I need to start belching and scratching my balls just to get some masculinity back into this room.”
“Fuck you, Chris,” Jensen gets out, trying to growl, but still feeling far too happy thanks to Misha’s comment.
The singer comes in, slinging an arm around Jensen in a half-hug. “So, how is my favourite kid brother doing?”
Another grin forms on Jensen’s lips. “He’s doing better, much better.”
The happiness that breaks out on Chris’s face is endearing, and once again Jensen’s blown away by just how much Jared means to everyone.
“That’s really great to hear. You mind if I go up and see him for a bit, I got him something.”
When he disappears up the stairs, Jensen turns back to Misha with a raised eyebrow.
“He really is just a grizzly teddy bear, isn’t he?”
“Hey! I heard that!” growls the man from halfway up the stairs.
♥
“Jay...” a soft, rough voice murmurs, accompanied by gentle shaking of my arm.
“Jens’n...” I mumble, reaching out for him, getting a hand on his shoulder. “’s cold... Come back t’ bed.”
“Hey, Jay, wake up for a sec, man. It’s Chris.”
I jerk upright, eyes snapping open.
“Whoa, calm down, kid. It’s just me. Jensen’s downstairs with Misha.”
Letting out a groan, I rub a hand over my face, trying to wipe the sleep away.
He sits down on the edge of the bed, “How’re you feeling?”
“Uhm... better, I guess.” I yawn widely. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. I just... well...” he flushes, visible even in the darkness, and my curiosity piques. “Steve ‘nd I were doing some covers the other day and... I made... well... I just thought you’d like to... well, anyway, this is for you.” He pulls out an unlabelled CD from his backpack. “Just thought... anyway... I’m glad you’re doing better, kid.”
He begins to pull away, but I reach out catching his arm. “Hey, Chris...” His eyes slide up to meet mine cautiously. “Thank you, it means... well, you know... Just... thanks.” I smile up at him, and only release him when he grins back.
“Alright then, I’m gonna...” he gestures towards the door, and I’m still smiling as he leaves the room.
My fingers trace over the CD reverently: I’m still amazed that despite being Jensen’s friends, Chris and Steve have always just made me feel welcome, accepted me with open arms and gruff teasing. But I guess – turning the CD around – I never really realised just how much they care for me up until now.
It’s a nice feeling.
Sliding out of bed, stabling myself on the bedside cabinet, I wander towards the sound system in the corner – Jensen gave it to me on my birthday this year, pretending it was just because he was sick of my squeaky old one messing up all his CD’s. Another smile breaks out on my lips, warmth filling me yet again.
I slip the disc in, and press play.
The music drifts out slowly, and I wander back to bed, sliding under the covers and hugging a pillow to my chest.
Oh I’m so tired
Of looking through the dirty glass
Of trying just a little harder
Of chasing what I cannot catch
Swallowing thickly, I roll onto my stomach.
Oh I’m so broken
A shadow of what I used to be
The daylight is fading
All the strength is leaving me
The truth of the words hits me like a punch to my gut, and I fight back the prickling tears, pressing my face further into the pillow.
I'm on fire
Burning with the hope of night
Midnight be my saviour
Remake me by the dawn's light
Jensen.
Yeah it’s so quiet,
Or at least it will be soon
Once the light has left me
And my time is through
I hope I never breathe again
Or open my eyes and see again
But I feel it deep in me this thing
This demon who cannot stop believing.
Fuck, how can Chris know all this? Every feeling, every hated thought.
I'm on fire
Burning with the hope of night
Midnight be my saviour
Remake me by the dawn's light
I lie there in stunned silence for a few seconds, uncertain. Then the next song begins playing.
In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail
No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose
That’s exactly what been running through my mind, it just cuts a little too close for comfort. Why would Jensen want to hang around, why would he want to be with me when I’ve been used and broken? What could I possibly offer him that he couldn’t get – far better – from someone else?
Silent tears are seeping out by the time the singing continues, so much so that I nearly don’t hear the next words.
Don't give up
'cos you have friends
Don't give up
You're not beaten yet
Don't give up
I know you can make it good
Rest your head
You worry too much
It's going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don't give up
Please don't give up
Don't give up
'cause you have friends
Don't give up
You're not the only one
Don't give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up now
We're proud of who you are
Don't give up
You know it's never been easy
Don't give up
'cause I believe there's the a place
There's a place where we belong
♥
Chris wanders down a few minutes after he disappeared, but there’s nothing in his expression to hint at what his gift was. But from his constant shifting around and spilling of his coffee, it’s clear that he’s nervous.
Misha and Jensen continue chatting about the latest Cowboys game, both of them eyeing Chris with interest.
But the last thing they’re expecting is what happens a few minutes later.
Feet pound down the stairs and a whirlwind enters the room, arms wrapping around Chris in the tightest hug imaginable. Chris looks awkward for a brief moment before he returns the embrace, squeezing Jared to his chest.
Soft hiccups of sobs come from Chris’s shoulder, Jared’s body shaking as he murmurs, “Thank you,” against the man’s skin.
“’s no big deal, kid,” the older man mumbles, trying to seem unaffected, but it’s clear that he’s anything but. His eyes are gentle and warm when he pries Jared from his chest, “Now, we’d better break this up before Jenny thinks I’m trying to steal his stud of a boyfriend.”
“As if,” Jensen scoffs, “You think I’d let you steal him from me? In your dreams, fucker.” But he does step forward, pulling Jared away from the man and into his own arms, wiping away the younger man’s tears before whispering, “You okay, baby?”
Jared nods, shooting him a watery smile, “Yeah.” Then he looks around and flushes, “Oh, hey, Mish.”
Misha grins and holds out his arms, “Don’t I get a hug too? Come on, I’m feeling left out.”
Flushing an even brighter pink, Jared wanders over to give him a warm hug, holding it for a few seconds.
Jensen watches with a small smile, glad to see his lover throwing away some of his fear of close contact with other people.
He wishes he knew what Chris gave to get this reaction. He wishes he’d thought of it.
♥
Forget about the fight to wear the crown of scars
Cause you`ve already won
Forget the pain and leave tears behind you
Bury underneath your feet the remains
Of what`s been left behind
Cause you have got a long, long way to run
But now you dance the rest of the way
And you don`t look back
Can you hear that angel singing
As you rise
Now you fly away
And you don`t look down now
And you laugh til you can`t laugh any longer
As you watch your chains fall to the ground
It was inevitable: really, just a matter of time.
Sam gets thrown across the room and pinned to the floor by the current monster of the show.
It shouldn’t be a big deal. I was sure that I’d be okay, right up until the moment when the legs straddle me, pressing me down into the dirt,
Drowning in painful memories, desperately trying to cling to reality and summon up my lines, I thrash weakly on the floor, the hot burn of tears falling from my eyes.
And then Jensen’s there, hoisting me up and into his arms, peppering kisses down my cheeks and whispering how much he loves me into my ear.
Eric’s busy shouting something in the distance; everyone’s moving around us... until suddenly they’re not. Jensen’s carrying me away from the noise, his strong arms wrapped tightly around me.
Will you fall against the wall that you have built
With your own hands
When you trip upon the thorns that you have tied
Your legs together with
When you walk upon thin ice you know you should
Not be walking
Why do you wonder that you fell through
He pulls down the covers of the small cot in his trailer and lowers me down gently, then he slides in beside me, curling around my trembling form and letting me hide in warmth of his chest.
I can’t live like this.
Now you fly away
And you don`t look down now
And you laugh til you can`t laugh any longer
As you watch your chains fall to the ground
I know you laugh
And show tears
Smile down at your fears
From where you are
From way up here
You know nothing`s ever looked so good
Nothing ever looked so good
But now you dance the rest of the way
You don`t look back
Can you hear that angel singing
As you rise
“’s okay, babe,” he murmurs, tears making his voice husky, “’s okay, Jay... ‘m here... I’m here... I got you, babe...”
♥
This old world can be cruel sometimes
When you're looking for answers
You can't seem to find
No one understands what you're going through
Oh I know it can get lonely out there
When you feel like nobody cares
Well you look around thinking
If they only knew
Well I do
I've felt the chill of this world cut down to the bone
I've walked many a mile down this road on my own
I've been through hell on my knees
Come face to face with the devil
And I know that it's hard to believe
But it gets better
Sure, it does get better, but will it ever go away? Will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror without seeing the dark finger-shaped bruises on my hips? They disappeared after a couple of days, but they’re still there, even if I’m the only one who can see them.
Will I ever be able to forgive myself for what happened, what I let happen?
Time is a healer but we can't see how
When you're caught in the moment
And the hurting is now
We don't wanna see that maybe some things
Weren't meant to figure out
This old world can be cruel sometimes
When you're looking for answers
Well just keep in mind
No you're not alone
We're all trying to find our way through this life
Will I ever be able to breathe without tasting the bitterness of my own vomit mixed with dirt?
I’d like to think that I will. That each day dawns a little bit brighter. Jensen’s noticed it, I think: that each morning I’m a little bit more relaxed, a little bit less likely to wake up in a thrashing fit.
I've felt the chill of this world cut down to the bone
I've walked many a mile down this road on my own
I've been through hell on my knees
Come face to face with the devil
And I know that it's hard to believe
But it gets better
Maybe someday I’ll be able to honestly say that I’m fine.
♥
♥
“Mr Ackles, he needs to come in to make his statement.”
“No.”
“Mr Ackles...”
“I’m not letting him be put through that. He’s just beginning to heal – to smile. Seeing that bastard again, even just from across the courtroom, I don’t want to think about it... What do you need? I was there, let me testify, I... I saw it all...I can get others, Misha, Jeff, Eric, any of the crew, they’ll testify. And you have the doctors testifying, they have photos and evidence, surely you don’t need him to come in as well?”
The man sighs in resignation, “Okay, I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thank you.”
♥
Jensen sags back against the door, willing the anger and exhaustion out of his body. He can’t let Jared know where he was today.
The man got sentenced to Imprisonment for Life under charges of rape and armed robbery, while his buddies just got nine years for armed robbery.
Jensen doesn’t feel it’s enough.
When he saw them there, he wanted to leap across the table and kill them with his bare hands. He wanted to make them hurt as badly as Jared had.
He isn’t quite sure how he managed to make it through his testimony, being dragged under by the nightmarish memory. He just knew that anything was better than Jared having to go through that.
He runs a shaky hand through his hair, wondering if he can sneak into the bathroom for a quick shower. He’s certain that he can smelt the stench of the bastards on his skin, just from being in the same courtroom as them.
But his attempt is thwarted when a soft call comes from the living room, “Jen?”
“Yeah, babe. It’s just me.”
With a soft sigh, Jensen wander towards him, spotting him curled up on the floor in front of the couch. Immediately worried, Jensen hurries towards him, freezing when he sees the open laptop held loosely on Jared’s knees. On the screen, there’s a picture of Jensen being led into the courtroom. He should have known that the late news would have a mention of it. Thank god Kripke made sure to arrange that the rape be kept under wraps.
“Jay... I...”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Slumping down beside him, Jensen reaches out to stroke a finger down his lover’s cheek. Jared flinches away and Jensen’s heart crumbles. “Babe, I just didn’t want you to get hurt... I just... I couldn’t let you see them again; I didn’t want you to have to go through with that. I just didn’t want to see you hurt again.... Please, babe. I’m sorry...” He hates that his voice cracks, hates that Jared’s rejection can hurt him so much, hates that he needs Jared so impossibly much that he feels like he can’t breathe every time Jared turns away from him.
“What happened?” he asks softly, gazing at the fireplace.
“He got put away for life, the others got nine years.”
Jared nods slowly, then he staggers to his feet, “I’m going to bed.”
When he disappears up the stairs without another word, Jensen drops his head between his knees, unable to hold it together. He’s just so tired, emotionally and physically. Today was hell, going through the horrific incident again and again, seeing those bastards, having to recount what he saw, having to see Jared being hurt again, having to go through it all, it just took too much of him.
And now Jared’s angry at him. The straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Fifteen minutes later, he forces himself to his feet, wipes his face dry, and heads for the shower.
He’s gotten a hold of himself by the time he’s clothed in clean boxers and a t-shirt, and he’s barely shaking as he slides into bed beside Jared.
“Night, Jay...” he murmurs softly, leaning over to brush a soft kiss over Jared’s forehead. “Love you...”
Jared’s eyes slide open, startling the older man who had been sure his lover was asleep.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t handle seeing you hurt again,” he answers honestly.
Jared slides closer to him, burying his face against the older man’s shoulder. “He’s really gone?”
“For good, Jay. He’ll never get anywhere near you ever again, I swear.”
“What was his name?”
“Does it matter?”
“No.”
Jensen squeezes his eyes tightly closed, burying his nose into Jared’s soft hair, inhaling the scent of home and trying to fight back the murderous intent that’s just dying to lash out towards the bastard who caused all this.
“I love you, babe.”
“Love you too, Jens...” he whispers back, unknowingly healing a piece of Jensen’s heart.
♥
It takes me a while before I finally scrape up enough courage to listen to another song, but when I do, I’m not disappointed. I lie there in silence, words washing over me.
There's someone who loves you
Someone who cares
Someone who needs you
Love’s riches to share.
There's someone who needs you
To call all their own
There's someone who loves you
And you alone.
There's someone who'd
Cry for you, lie for you
Live or they'd die for you, gladly
There's someone who'd
Beg for you, steal for you
At your feet kneel for you
Haven't you known.
I wander out of the bedroom, finding him sprawled outside on the full-back swing, gazing up at the stars. He shifts over when I crawl up beside him, and pulls me closer, letting me curl around his chest, his fingers stroking warmly up my spine.
There's someone who needs you
To call all their own
There's someone who loves you
And you alone.
There's someone who'd
Cry for you, lie for you
Live or they'd die for you, gladly
There's someone who'd
Beg for you, steal for you
At your feet kneel for you
Haven't you known.
“You okay, babe?”
“Yeah,” I murmur back, nuzzling under his chin. “’s nice out here tonight.”
“That’s ‘cause you’re here,” he replies back with a cheesy grin.
Rolling my eyes, I inch towards his warmth, sliding my hands up under his shirt just so I can feel closer to him. “I love you,” I whisper softly.
“Love you too, babe,” he replies easily, lips brushing over my forehead.
“Thank you,” I mumble into his skin, feeling my cheeks breaking out into a blush.
“For what? Loving you?”
When I remain silent, he nudges me slightly back, tilting my face up with a calloused hand on my cheek. “Jay...” he lets out a soft sigh, leaning forward to press his lips gently to mine. “Just you being here is all I’ve ever wanted in my life. Just being able to hold you like this... Seeing your dimples,” he thumbs gently over my cheek.
I smile up at him, loving the warmth that fills his eyes. He chuckles softly, capturing my lips in another kiss, gently moving his mouth over mine, tongue nudging past my lips and gently mapping out my mouth.
When oxygen becomes an issue, he pulls back, resting his forehead against mine, our warm breaths mingling.
He reaches beside the swing, grabbing a blanket and throwing it over us, dragging me closer. “Never thank me for loving you... it would be like thanking me for breathing.”
“I’m grateful for that too.”
Huffing out a laugh, he buries his face in my hair, inhaling deeply.
There's someone who needs you
To call all their own
There's someone who loves you
And you alone...
♥
