Imperfect love
Sam and Dean were together. Dean made a mistake. Sam went to Stanford. A few years later, Dean's still making that mistake. Can Sam ever forgive Dean? “I know I’m fucked in the head.... I always have been... especially when it comes to you.... Sammy..."
3,000 words, pg-13, hurt!Sam, hurt!Dean, possessive!Dean, cheating, angst
♥
“Greg?” I call softly, shrugging off my jacket and throwing it over the back of a nearby chair. “You awake?”
Carefully making my way towards the bed in the dim lighting, I continue stripping, just wanting to curl up beside my boyfriend and forget what a hell today was. Squinting at the bed, I freeze, heart going cold.
I stumble away, slamming against the wall, hand fumbling for the switch.
Light floods in, illuminating their forms.
My eyes fall closed, throat seizing up.
Slowly sinking to the floor, I hunch over, pressing my forehead to my knees, trying to ignore the fumbling and cursing coming from the bed.
Did I honestly think Greg would be any different? That he would love me enough?
“Sam,” he pleads softly from somewhere beside me. “I’m so sorry.... I don’t... I swear I never meant to.... Please, Sam.... I’m so fucking sorry....”
“Just get out. You can get your stuff tomorrow while I’m in class.”
“Sam...”
I don’t look up.
“Just get the fuck out of here.”
My voice is hollow.
I hear him shifting around, the material of his clothes rustling, the soft click of the door behind him.
Only then do I open my eyes, gazing up at the figure on the bed. He looks so smug, so pleased with himself as he stretches luxuriously across my bed like he belongs there.
I wish I could hate him.
“I get it, alright?” I murmur softly, so wrung out, so exhausted.
“Get what, Sammy?” he snarks back cruelly, his green eyes glittering.
“You win.... I give up. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
He continues playing dumb, raising his eyebrow in question.
Tearing my gaze away from the man, I get out wearily, “I’m no one.... I get it. Who would stay with me? Who would love me? Who would choose me when they could have something better – when they could have you? I’m nothing. Nobody. I fucking get it, Dean. I fucking get it.”
After roughly knuckling at my traitorously damp eyes, I push up from the floor, body lethargically weighing me down.
“You win,” I whisper finally, numbly staggering to the bathroom and into the shower.
As the water hits me, I crumble to the floor, shivering in my boxers, the icy spray stabbing at my skin.
I’m alone and I’m always going to be alone.
Gentle hands slide over my torso, gripping firmly and hoisting me up. Through blurry eyes, I gaze up at the man, instantly feeling inadequate. Dean’s so perfect, so much better than me. He always has been. The perfect son.
He turns off the water and carefully steers me out, grabbing a towel and gently beginning to rub my down.
“Get away from me,” I spit out, sounding far less forceful than I intended.
“Sammy,” he gently whispers the endearment he’s never stop using. Only this time, instead of the countless times when it was spat maliciously, this time it isn’t harsh, this time it isn’t meant to hurt me, this time he actually sounds like the guy I fell in love with – the man who raised me.
I want to sink into his arms and feel safe, warm and loved. I don’t want to have to keep a game face on anymore. I don’t want to pretend that it doesn’t feel like my heart is being ripped out, each and every time. I thought Greg would be the one, I loved him, been with him for three months, putting everything of myself into the relationship. But clearly I mean nothing to him. Nothing to anybody.
String after string of boyfriends. I wasn’t enough to keep a single one of them faithful.
“Just leave me alone,” I choke out weakly, trying to pull away from him. But his grip just tightens, pulling me against his firm chest.
Dean was my first – in everything. First kiss, first boyfriend, first love.
I duck my head, trying to hide my weakness from him.
♥
♥
I wasn’t his first.
He took my virginity, took my heart, took everything, and he gave me six months of ignorant bliss. In all my life, I’ve never been happier that I was when we were in a relationship. I loved him so much, he was my world.
Then I found him in bed with some random guy.
He never even tried to come up with an excuse.
That’s when I left, ran here. Left Dad and his constant disappointment; left Dean.
Now, six boyfriends down the line, each and every relationship ending with me catching them with Dean, and I just can’t summon the strength to yell at him, to punch him, to kick him out like I usually do – it achieved nothing, what’s the point? He just goes and does the same all over again, proving just how meaningless I am to those I love, proving how much better he is.
Soft, dry, cotton boxers are slid up my thighs. I stand there dazed, arms wrapped around myself, world distorted, hearing material rustling near me.
And then I’m being steered forwards, stumbling onto the bed, face pressed to the new sheets. The duvet is gently thrown over me, and Dean’s warm body slides in behind me, curling around my shivering form. “’s okay, Sammy,” he whispers softly, lips pressed to the nape of my neck. “I got you.”
“Just leave me alone,” I try again.
He’s silent for a long while, just breathing warm puffs of breath against my skin, his hand gently stroking up and down my chest. Then, he pulls me around to face him, his fingers carefully brushing my tears away. With his palm splayed over my cheek, his green eyes gazing down at me, he murmurs roughly, “Can’t do that, Sammy.... You’re mine. You belong to me, babe.”
“What?”
His lips press fiercely over mine, coaxing me into an intense kiss. “You’re mine,” he growls.
“No... I...” Frowning, anger overriding the exhaustion, I shove away from him, trying to get some distance between us, trying not to inhale the heady scent that reduces me to a puddle of goo. “I’m not enough.... You didn’t want me... You were the one who....”
“I made a mistake. We were too... it was too perfect....”
“Right, yeah, it was ‘perfect’ so you went on and fucked someone else, makes perfect sense,” I spit out sarcastically. “Fuck you, Dean. You can go screw yourself!”
“You don’t understand... you’re the only good thing in my life, Sammy. Don’t you get that? You’re pure, innocent.... I’m the sick one. I couldn’t stop myself from needing you. I wasn’t strong enough. When I had you, Sam... it was so perfect... so fucking amazing. Being able to hold my baby brother every night, having everything I could ever want... it couldn’t last; it was too good to be true. The way you looked at me... like I held the answer to everything, like I was the answer... you have no idea how much that scared me....”
“So you decided the best way to get rid of me was to fuck some random guy? Nice.”
He nods, his eyes meeting with mine, “But when it was over... when you left... and I no longer had you safe in my arms, could no longer touch you and kiss you, see that you were okay... it killed me, Sammy.... I checked up on you as often as I could, watching you live your life at this fancy law school. It was manageable, I could keep myself away, let you live your life.... But then... then you started dating those losers... fuck, I wanted to tear their hands off you....”
“You slept with them because you were jealous of them? Do you know how crazy that sounds?”
“I know I’m fucked in the head.... I always have been... especially when it comes to you.... Sammy... I love you so fucking much, and I’m sorry I never told you, sorry I let you down, sorry I hurt you again and again.... So fucking sorry, babe....”
Damn those green eyes of his, gazing down at me so pleadingly, making me want to believe him, believe his every word.
“No,” I grate out eventually, shaking my head. “You don’t get to do this to me, Dean, not any more.... You don’t get to string me along like a fucking puppet. Do you know what it feels like? Huh? Each and every single fucking time, do you know what it feels like to not be enough? I wasn’t enough for you. I wasn’t enough for Dave... Luke... Josh... Mica... Phillip... Greg... Do you know what it feels like to know that? To have the ground ripped from beneath my feet every single fucking time I turn around? You put me through hell, every single day, and you expect me to just welcome you back with open arms?”
“Sammy... please....”
“I don’t trust you, Dean. You’re supposed to be my brother, you’re supposed to protect me and love me, not tear me to pieces. Even after I caught you, you could have tried to stop me leaving. You could have said you were sorry, could have asked me to stay. I would have forgiven you, Dean. Now...” I shake my head, angry tears falling haphazardly. “I still love you, so fucking much it hurts... but... I know... I know that it’ll just be the same all over again. You’ll find someone better, or... or you’ll get bored, or we’ll have a fight, or something will go wrong, and then... And then I’ll walk in the door, and you’ll be in the bed with whoever it is... and I won’t survive it, Dean! When I find you with someone else... it’ll fucking kill me.”
“Sammy,” he chokes out brokenly, reaching for me. “I know I’m a whore.... I know, okay? I fuck people, I’ve fucked lots of people... but, Sammy... the only one I’ve ever loved is you. I made love to you, Sam. With us, it wasn’t rushed or filthy... it was perfect, Sam.... Nothing else comes close to how amazing it was to be with you.... Please, Sammy... I love you. I know I’ve fucked things up between us, but... please... I’m begging you, Sam, as your brother... as whatever it is we are to each other, whatever we were, Sammy, give me a second chance. I swear I’ll never touch anyone else like that again. You’re it. You’re everything, Sammy.”
“And how would it work, Dean? Even if I take you back, it wouldn’t change the fact that I’ll be here, at school, and you’ll be off hunting. You honestly telling me you can go for months on the road without needing a quick fuck? I can see it now: ‘Oh, Sammy will never know, why don’t I just go fuck that bartender? I mean, Sam’s miles away, after all.’”
“No,” Dean shakes his head vehemently, “Sammy, I’ll move here... find my own place if you don’t want me sharing with you.... You’ve only got a few more months of school left; I can get a job as a mechanic until then.... I just want to be with you.”
I stare at him for a few long seconds. “You’d honestly give up hunting for me? What about if I want to stay here afterwards, work as a lawyer here?”
He swallows thickly, but when his glistening eyes meet mine, they don’t falter or show any signs of hesitation. “It doesn’t matter; I want to stay with you, wherever you decide to be.”
“Dean... hunting is your life,” I remind him softly.
“No, Sammy,” he whispers just as quietly, “You. You’re my life. You have been since you were first placed into my hands. Making you smile, protecting you, being there when you reached out for me, those aren’t just things I like to do, they’re things I have to do to survive. And, when you left, I realised I’m not strong enough to let you go.”
“I...”
♥
♥
It would be so easy to take him back. So easy to sink into his arms, wrap myself up in his warmth. For a second, my lips part, words hanging on the tip of my tongue. But then a cold chill races down my spine as a snapshot of that cruel memory flickers across my mind. Walking through the motel room door, wanting to leap into bed beside Dean and snuggle up against his sleeping form, only to find he wasn’t alone, wasn’t sleeping.
“Dean, I can’t.”
A tortured sob tears from his throat, startling me. He’s nodding, tears falling unnoticed down his cheeks, his breathing hoarse and ragged. “O-kay...” he gets out brokenly. “Okay, Sammy....”
I’m gaping at him as he slowly hoists himself up from the bed, moving around the room like his every muscle aches. Once he’s dressed, he turns to look at me, eyes shining with misery, so heartbreaking that I just can’t stand it. Then he whispers, “Love you, Sammy...” and I’m lost. All reason and self-preservation fly out the window, and I find myself tripping over blankets to get to him.
My lunge knocks us over, sending us crashing to the ground, but then my lips are on him, kissing the salty tears from his skin. Right now I don’t care if he’s going to cheat on me again. Right now all I care about is erasing that broken expression from his face. I can’t see him hurt. I never could.
He’s my brother.
How could I refuse him anything?
“Sammy,” he’s moaning, arms curling tightly around my shoulders like he never wants to let me go.
“Don’t you fucking dare cheat on me again, Dean. I will kill you – no, I will fucking kill myself! You understand me?”
His breath catches and he’s shaking his head, his brilliant green eyes gazing up at me earnestly, “Never again, Sammy. Fuck, can’t live without you.... Tried, tried to forget how perfect we were together, but... couldn’t.... You’re everything...” His hand slides up to cradle my cheek, thumb stroking gently. “Sammy?”
I lean blindly into his touch, unable to fight the warmth seeping from his palm. “Okay...” I whisper softly. “Okay.”
And then I’m beneath him, his strong, muscled body pinning me down like only he can. His arms bracketing my head, his body slotted in the V of my legs. It’s so familiar, so comfortable. I feel so irrationally safe just by being surrounded by him.
But, I suppose it shouldn’t be surprising. He was my pillar growing up. Always there for me. Always strong. When I was younger and still used to have nightmares, Dean would slide into bed beside me. I’d curl into his arms, letting him chase the monsters away, letting his warm scent surround me.
Then, when things between us changed, he was still the source of comfort. After the fact that we had awesome, hot sex, the best part of being in a relationship with him was that I didn’t need to have a nightmare for him to slide into bed with me, he was always there, pressed flush against me, grumbling whenever I wriggled.
“I love you, Sammy,” he breathes, nose nuzzling mine gently.
Rolling my eyes half-heartedly, I can’t fight the warm smile tugging at my lips, and I know there’s no point resisting him.
My limbs slide around him, dragging him down into a deep kiss, my lips parting to let his tongue curl around mine.
He tastes the same. Fuck, he kisses the same. Still so good – making my body melt beneath him.
The kiss slows to a lazy press of soft lips, and, a few moments later, he reluctantly pulls away, thumb brushing the slickness from my lips. “We should get some rest... you look exhausted.”
“Yeah,” I mumble softly, sinking against him. “Missed you, Dean.”
His lips brush over my forehead. “Missed you too, Sammy.... And thank you... for trying to trust me again... I know I don’t deserve you... but... fuck, I can’t let anyone else have you.”
“Jealousy breeds madness...” I mumble softly, making him huff out a laugh.
“I hated myself, you know? The very first time... you walked in... your face just crumbled, Sammy.... Then you blinked. Nodded. And began packing your bags. Fuck, I hated myself so much. And then... afterwards... I was checking in on you when I saw you kissing the blonde guy – Dave? I think... And I flipped... Christ, Sammy, you wouldn’t believe how much I wanted to tear him apart.... I followed him when he left the bar you guys were at... I had no idea what I was going to do... but then I thought, maybe I could still taste you on his lips. And, fuck... I know it’s sick, but I could. It’d been three months, Sammy.... And I could taste you. Imagine you. And... before I knew it, we were... in your bed.... I’m so fucking sorry, Sammy...”
My eyes flutter closed under the weight of his earnest gaze. I want to brush this whole mess away. Pretend it never happened. But I can’t. The pain’s still too fresh.
“I know you are, Dean.” My hand slides over his chest, feeling the rise and fall beneath my palm. “It doesn’t change what happened though.”
“Sammy, I’ll do anything to prove -”
I cut him off, murmuring softly, “Just... just stay.... That’s all I want right now. Just be here.”
This has his arms tightening further around me, crushing me to his chest. His nose nudges gently against my neck, stubble scraping gently. “Love you so much, Sammy.”
“Love you too, Dean...”
My words melt him, his body relaxing into the mattress, moulding more comfortably with mine. I bury my face in the hollow of his throat and inhale deeply.
He’s nowhere near perfect.
But, I love him. I really do.
♥
