I think I love you... hypothetically speaking...
Jensen has a bit of an experience. He learns a lot in a short space of time. I just want him here, teasing me about being such a girl and getting myself into this position. I want him to tell me I’m going to be okay, that by this time tomorrow we’ll be tossing popcorn at the TV in Jared’s bedroom, both of us safely wrapped in the warm duvet of his bed. I just want him here.
2,500 words. pg-13, schmoop
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I won’t live to see the sun rise.
It’s strange to finally be here, at the end. My past isn’t flashing before my eyes, nor is there an ominous white light beckoning me. There is only harsh reality in the form of concrete and steel.
And the pain.
I wish there was someone here to distract me. My fingers twitch beside me, longing for the warmth of another’s hand, and all I can think about is the fact that I’m going to die alone. No one will find me. Everyone will think I just disappeared without a trace. It’ll make my momma cry.
I kind of wish I could see the sky, maybe even a few birds flying overhead. Anything would be better than this.
God, I wish Jared was here.
I can see his smile: how his whole face lights up, eyes dancing and dimples peeking out, letting you share his happiness. But he won’t be happy when he hears.
My heart sinks. It’ll crush him. He’s such a strong person, but he’s sensitive in so many ways. He feels so much more than anyone else.
What happens if no one finds me and everyone thinks I’ve just gone missing: will Jared think I just left? Will he think I left him on purpose? Surely he could never think I’d hurt him on purpose. He trusts me so much. Will it break him, or am I just being self-centered? Maybe Jared won’t even miss me.
That thought just hurts too much.
I just want him here, teasing me about being such a girl and getting myself into this position. I want him to tell me I’m going to be okay, that by this time tomorrow we’ll be tossing popcorn at the TV in his bedroom, both of us safely wrapped in the warm duvet of his bed. I just want him here.
There was a story I once heard, about dying. According to it, as you approach death, you must focus on the place you want to be when you wake up, either in this world or the next, and it’ll be yours. I don’t know that I believe it, but it’s a nice thought anyway – being given the choice of your own eternity.
I kind of just want to be with Jay. When I’m around him I get this warm, safe feeling, and I suppose it’s because everything is balanced between us. I know I’m always welcome, just as Jared is.
Rather than always having to be ‘a man’, like with most of my other friends, around Jared I can just be as ‘whatever’ as I like. If I want to be quiet and just listen to him babble, he doesn’t mind; if I’m really excited about something, he gets excited with me; if I’m feeling really down, he uses me as a pillow to silently give me comfort from his closeness and doesn’t make a sound when my fingers drop to run through his hair.
Sure, there’s the usual teasing, from both sides, but it’s never cruel taunting. I don’t care how many times I joke about his unruly hair: truth is I love how different it looks every single day, and how I can often tell Jared’s mood just by looking at it. The same goes for him when he’s teasing me about my shortness, my coffee addiction, my laziness, and everything else. He always has this smile tugging at his lips, letting me know he doesn’t mean it in a horrible way.
And then there’s behavior in the house: Despite kicking his ass numerous times (sometimes quite literally as he was bending down into the fridge) for drinking my juice, I know I’d never finish the carton without his help, and I know the same goes for him and his candy – except in his case he probably could finish without my help, I’m merely saving him from becoming fat, like any good friend would do.
Then there’s the fact that on Sunday mornings, when everyone sane in the world is sound asleep in bed, Jared comes bounding into my room, dive-bombs me, and then proceeds to use the small of my back as a pillow while he waits for me to acknowledge his presence. Usually I end up smothering him with my duvet, making a ball of wriggling giggles as he tries to free himself. When he emerges it’s with a wide grin, flushed cheeks and laughing eyes. Then, after having ensured my wakefulness, he bounds out the room to fetch me some coffee. I really love Sundays.
♥
♥
Why aren’t I there right now? What stupidity took hold of me to make me leave that? Hiatus isn’t hiatus without him. Why did I allow Danny to convince me this would be fun? ‘Just the two of us’, she’d said, a hopeful pleading in her eyes. I couldn’t refuse her, but, God, I wished I had when I told Jared. We’d been planning a ‘Sam and Dean’ type road trip, we were going to see the Grand Canyon and stay in cheesy motels, we were going to eat junk food and drink beer. We were just going to do whatever we felt like, whenever we felt like doing it.
Jared’s smile had flickered off and died, only to pop back up as an artificial one that didn’t reach his eyes. ‘Sure, Jens. I get it. No, don’t worry, I understand. Danneel misses you; you should spend some time with her. ‘sides, you see me all the time anyway, must be sick of my mug by now.’ His words echoed through my head for ages aferwards, playing over and over like a broken record.
Misha went in my place. Dammit, I never should have allowed Danny to convince me to leave that. They’re probably having fun. Misha’s probably making Jared laugh. Jared’s probably annoying Misha by singing along to every radio song he knows (and a few that he doesn’t). Jared’s probably rambling happily every night as they lie in their motel room, the sound of his voice lulling Misha to sleep.
Misha’s probably dragging the lightweight home from bars, Jared leaning heavily against him and snuffling against his neck adorably. Misha’s probably looking after the kid, gently undressing him and tucking him safely into bed so he can sleep off the alcohol. Misha’s probably getting to see all the vulnerable sides of Jared, sides which only I should get to see.
Damn, I really should have gone. Plus, then I wouldn’t be here, about to fucking die; all alone in a stupid, deserted building on a stupid, deserted hill in a stupid, deserted town, with a stupid pole through my chest.
Fun vacation, huh?
Fuck, it really, really hurts and I just wish Jared was here.
He would tease me for crying like a sniveling girl, but he’d probably start crying as well. He’d tease me for crying but would step in close, his arm would slide under my head, lifting it off this stupid, freezing floor, and he’d lean in close, so close, until the only thing I can see is him. Then he’d begin talking, his voice low and gentle like it always is when talking to kids or animals, a voice that instills trust, and he’d tell me that it’s all okay, that he’s here now and everything’s going to be okay.
I’d probably try to laugh, but it would hurt too much, he’d tell me to stop talking for once, and he’d smile. Then he’d lean forwards, pressing his forehead against mine. My eyes would slide closed and I’d just breathe, inhale his warm scent and imagine myself home. He’d tell me it’s all going to be okay and then he’d kiss me.
My eyes snap open and I stare wide-eyed at the concrete ceiling, wondering where the hell that came from.
♥
♥
We aren’t like that. We’re just good friends. And good friends don’t kiss.
There’s no way Jared would do that, not even with the rush of emotions. And just why does that thought make me feel so upset?
I’m in agony, I’m freezing my ass off, I’m absolutely exhausted, and my best friend wouldn’t kiss me even if he found my dying body here.
I’m being utterly ridiculous, and I seriously need to get my priorities in order. Besides, just because he wouldn’t kiss me, doesn’t me he doesn’t love me. He does love me; he’s shown it enough times. We don’t need to kiss to let each other know how we feel.
Sometimes I wish we could though.
Jared’s the only guy I’ve ever wanted to kiss – properly, I mean, not like the soft kisses I always press to his forehead when he’s sick or really tired and adorable and snuggly. Somehow, despite being six foot five, he still manages to defy the world and be astoundingly cute. I blame his dimples. Or maybe his expressive eyes – they always make me feel like dropping whatever it is I’m doing, and get me under the Padalecki’s control. It’s not like there’s much I can refuse him.
I love how he just fills up an empty room with his presence, like before, when I was still in my old apartment, the hallway and everything always felt so cold and silent until Jared barged in, making himself at home and raiding the fridge before slumping down on the couch beside me. It’s one of the reasons I agreed to move in with him, aside from the fact that I just love having him so close.
Plus, his dogs love me.
Man, I miss those pups.
Why aren’t they here with me? Then I could send them to get help. Oh, right… Danneel. Fuck, I’m so tired.
I just want to go home. I want Jared to hug me like he never wants to let me go, I want to lean against him and just let him take some of my weight, just until my vision stops swimming. I want to be pressed against his solid chest; I want to feel safe, like it’s okay to let go of my emotions. I want him to tease me, but tighten his hold anyway. I want to punch him, but adjust my grip on the back of his shirt, leaving him no way of pulling back.
I’ll never see him again.
It’s this thought that sends me over the edge, and the dam wall breaks, causing tears to run down my face, and my chest to tighten with emotion, throat clogging up as I start sobbing silently. My every movement jerks my body around the pole and it hurts, it hurts so badly.
“Jared,” I choke out brokenly, trying to fight the tears. “Jared…”
“Jen,” a voice calls me from the distance, and my head jerks up.
“Jensen!” stronger this time, nearer.
“Jensen!” My eyes snap open, and I stare up into worried eyes. Jared’s.
“Jared…” I whisper hoarsely, taking in his sleep rumpled form. My eyes dart around the room – the warm, safe room – and then back at him. “Home?” I ask softly, not daring to believe it.
His hands relax were they’re fisted into my shirt, and he nods at me, “Yeah, Jens… we’re home. You’re safe, we’re home. That must have been some nightmare, man. You alright?”
It was a dream. A horrific dream.
I lunge at him, locking him in my arms as I just cling to him. His hands instantly slide around me, running over my back and pressing me closer. His breath is warm and real against my neck, and I don’t even care that I’m crying.
“Shhh…” he whispers, “You’re okay, man. I’m here…”
“Jay…” I choke out, struggling back so I can meet his eyes, “Road trip… we going on… going on road trip…”
Frowning slightly in confusion, he shakes his head, “No man, you and Danneel are going away together, remember? You told me yesterday. She wants to go that tiny town in the middle of nowhere.”
I shake my head vehemently, “No… you and me. Don’t care what we do, but I’m not leaving.”
Eyes widening slightly in surprise, Jared stares at me for a bit, then he leans forwards and uses the hem of his own t-shirt to dry my face. “If that’s what you want, I’m cool with it. Want to tell me what that dream was about?”
I give him another shake of my head and pull him back into a tight hug, running my fingers through his hair and breathing him in.
“Love you, Jay…” I murmur against his cheek, pressing my lips to his skin.
He jerks slightly, but doesn’t pull away. Instead he runs a gentle hand over my shoulders and whispers back, “You too, Jens… even if you are a girl in disguise.”
Snorting softly in amusement, I nudge my nose against his jaw and breathe quietly, “Hypothetically speaking, if I were to kiss you now, would you punch me?”
His breath hitches slightly and his fingers flex against my back. “Hypothetically speaking… no….”
“Good…” My hand slides up to cradle his face and I pull back enough to meet his confused gaze. “’Cause a punch would kinda hurt – hypothetically speaking, of course….”
Then I close the distance between us, pressing my lips to his and swallowing his startled yelp with a smirk. When he doesn’t shove me away, I pull him in closer, my tongue nudging against the seam of his lips, waiting for permission to deepen the kiss. When he finally lets me slip my tongue inside of his warmth, I let out a low groan and press him down on the bed, swinging a leg over his hips to straddle him comfortably.
When I finally pull back to allow us some air, his face is flushed an adorable pink and his hair is sticking up at the back where my fingers have been running through.
“Hypothetically speaking…” he gets out breathlessly, his hands sliding down to fit at my waist, “Where would this leave us?”
I sit back, ass settling on his abs as I ponder it. Then I lean forwards again, lowering myself until my face is inches above him. “Hypothetically speaking… if I were to break up with Danneel, would you say yes to being my boyfriend?”
His eyes light up and his dimples pop out, and there’s my answer right there.
Hypothetically speaking…
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