Forsaken
Dean makes a mistake - one which costs him everything. Hurt, angry and confused, not knowing how to look out for Sammy, he makes a deal with a demon, trading 'anything' to get his father back. Only he doesn't quite know what he's just given away.
NC-17, hurt!Sam, bottom!Sam, wincest, non-con, Sam/Castiel, protective!Dean
♥
Dean’s tired. He’s tired of everything. He doesn’t know when life became a chessboard, when he became a pawn, and when everything became a fucking game. All his life he’s worn himself thin for others, always putting himself last. He’s sick of it. He wishes someone else were here to take some of the load.
♥
It happens after he’s been drinking heavily for several hours, his mind moping and screaming out for help. Well, actually it happens after he gets wasted because of the most recent fight with Sam. Dean hates fighting with his brother, but even more so, he hates the distant look Sam gets in his eyes when he thinks Dean isn’t watching. It makes Dean feel so useless, like a failure. Like he doesn’t even exist.
And that’s why Dean’s here.
The demon laughs when she emerges, her cruel eyes flashing with amusement and her lips pulled into a mocking sneer. “Dean Winchester, you want to go back already?”
“Fuck… fuck you,” he slurs drunkenly. “’m here… ‘ere to make… a d…deal. I… I want my dad back.”
She laughs, hollow and empty, “You want your daddy to come kiss you goodnight? Awww, Dean, that’s so sweet.”
“Shut… shut the ‘ell up, you… you bitch!”
“Now, now. You’d best mind your manners. It’s not like you have anything interesting to trade. Your soul is pretty tarnished now, we don’t really want that in here.”
He stares up at her blankly, a drunken haze hanging around him. It’s not like he has anything to lose. “Any… anything…. I’ll g… give anything. Jus… just wan’ my dad back…”
Vaguely, he realises she’s kissing him. She’s just pulled back when he passes out.
♥
A powerful blow to his jaw has him jerking upright, groaning as his head pounds inside and out, to stare at the back of his attacker as the man paces a few feet away from him.
“D…Dad?” his voice cracks.
The man turns around, his face furious and his eyes heated, “What the hell were you thinking, Dean? How could you be so fucking stupid? Twice? Twice, are you out of your mind?”
Dean just blinks.
A few seconds later he’s being hugged to within an inch of his life and all he can do is try not to cry. He will not cry, goddamit.
“What did you give, son? What did you give this time?”
Dean shakes his head, “I don’t know, Dad.” He looks down at himself and back at the Impala. “Nothing important.”
The man’s eyes widen, “What do you mean you don’t know? How can you not… Dean, please tell me you didn’t make an unspecified offer to a demon.”
He flinches, coughs, “Uhm… I might have… maybe… but they didn’t want my soul.”
John rolls his eyes with a groan, “Honestly…” he shakes his head, “Okay, let’s get to your motel room, we can try figure out what they took.”
Despite John’s grumbling, Dean slides into the driver’s seat and soon they’re off.
“And… Sammy? He’s… he’s okay?” Dad asks carefully.
Dean nods, “Yeah, I mean. You know. He’s still the pouting, emo-kid he was when you… when you left.”
John nods.
“So…” this time it’s Dean’s turn to speak carefully. “Hell…”
They both pointedly avoid each other’s eyes and by silent agreement, decide never to share their experiences.
♥
The motel room is empty when they arrive. “Great, he’s run off again,” Dean mutters darkly, stepping into the room.
But then he passes the bed and curled on the ground is a writhing form. “Ruby? What the fuck?”
She’s gasping for breath, blood seeping out of a wound in her chest, her own knife lying bloody beside her.
Dean moves forward to help her: he doesn’t like her at all, but he’s not going to let her die on the floor of their motel room.
She pushes him away with bloody hands. “You… fucker…” she hisses. “How… how could you? Your… your own brother?”
“What?” Dean asks in confusion, “Sam did this?”
The look she shoots at him is pure loathing, “You… fucking sold your own brother…. I knew you… were an asshole…. Just didn’t realise… you’d sink… so fucking low…. You know everything he was doing… he was doing it… for you… to protect you… to be strong enough to… protect you…Dean… and now… now they’ve taken him… you gave him to them… he’s the one… they’ve wanted all along… he’s… he’s the one… Lilith wants… put on a spit… You… you think you’ve… you’ve seen hell? … Well… you don’t know nothing… ‘bout the hell… you’ve sent Sam…”
Dean feels his stomach sinking as she continues. An icy hand starts curling in his chest and he can feel himself paling. “No… no, you’re… you’re lying…”
She laughs hatefully. “I couldn’t… couldn’t stop them… they… they were higher… higher level demons… even… even Sam couldn’t… he would’ve been able to… but he… he hasn’t been… been practising… ‘cause he knows you’re disappointed… in… him… you’ve always been… he’s never… been enough… Now… you sent your own brother to the worst hell… imaginable.”
With a final, shuddering breath, she falls still.
♥
♥
Through me you pass into the city of woe:
Through me you pass into eternal pain:
Through me among the people lost for aye.
Justice the founder of my fabric mov'd:
To rear me was the task of power divine,
Supremest wisdom, and primeval love.
Before me things create were none, save things
Eternal, and eternal I endure.
All hope abandon ye who enter here
♥
Sam’s eyes fly open as his clothes are torn from his body. Panicked, he struggles against them, fighting their grasping claws. But it’s no use.
When everything’s shredded, including streaks of his skin, the creatures pull back enough for Sam to take the first look at them. Their faces are distorted and stretched, their mouths nothing but gaping chasms hiding blackness within. Thin bodies, skeletal and transparent in parts, are only made worse by the spindly arms jutting out at the sides.
But the very worst part is their eyes. Empty and hollow, almost unseeing but for the fact that they latch onto Sam’s every movement, and are devoid of all light even the reflections of the flames around them.
A shadow steps inside the ring, standing motionless before Sam. He tries to stand, tries, but falls to his knees on the burning dust at the feet of the shadow. Laughter sounds out, chill and cold and cruel, sending shivers racing through his body.
“Samuel Winchester. What an honour.”
He tries to raise his head to meet the shadow’s eyes, but a claw lashes out, slashing him across the cheek. Warm blood seeps like a curtain down his cheek, running into the crease of his lip and he tastes copper on his tongue.
“I have to say, your visit came as a bit of a surprise to me. Previously, I thought I’d be waiting many years still before I claimed you as mine. But, fortune has it that your brother is just that sick of you.”
Spitting the blood from his mouth, Sam croaks out, “What the fuck are you talking about.”
The laughter sounds out again, “You mean you don’t know? Oh, how precious. Your brother gave you to us. It seems he wants daddy dearest more than his annoying brat of a brother.”
“You’re lying, demon.”
“Oh, really? How else do you think you came to be here? Your brother was the only one who had any claim over you and he sold you for your dad.”
Pain explodes in Sam’s chest but he shakes his head, “No, that’s not true.”
“He’s so sick of you, Sam. How did you miss how much he hates you? He knows you’re a filthy half-breed. Not human, but not pure enough to claim to be one of us. You don’t belong anywhere, Samuel. You’re a monster, Sam. How does it feel to know that no one gives a damn about you? How does it feel to know that your brother only paused slightly before selling you at the very first opportunity? Here, let me prove I’m not lying.”
The shadow reaches out with an extended claw towards Sam’s cheek. “Now, you know as well as I do that this means I cannot lie to you for the next twenty seconds…” the nail carves a deep streak down the side of Sam’s cheek, crossing it so it forms an x-shape, invoking a powerful magic.
As the shadow stoops so close, Sam can feel the putrid breath against his face, it whispers, “Your brother only hesitated for three seconds before he agreed to trade you for your father. He didn’t even flinch as my cousin kissed the deal into reality.”
Sam shudders as the demon’s words sink in, hitting him hard. He tries to hide how much he’s hurting. He tries not to show how much his chest is aching and how much he just wants to curl up into a ball and die – or is he already dead? He doesn’t know. He just tries to hide the pain as best as he can.
It seems he’s a terrible actor. More laughter sounds, this time echoing from the watching creatures as well and he hangs his head, hot tears beginning to streak down his cheeks, stinging the cuts and trickling down onto his lap.
“You’re pathetic, Sam Winchester. And to think, they once said you could take my place as leader. How amusing. So… what’s it like to know that you’ve failed everything and everyone who ever believed in you? How does it feel to be abandoned? Ditched by your own brother.”
“Shut up!” Sam yells, stumbling to his feet, glaring up at the shadow’s cold eyes. This time, a claw slashes over his bare back, carving streaks as easily as a scalpel and making him cry out as pain tears through him once again.
“Hmmm, touched a nerve, did I? How delightful. We’re going to have such fun, Samuel. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time. I’m going to show you what happens to those who dare defy me…”
♥
Dean wraps his arms around his knees, staring down at the stained motel carpet. It doesn’t feel real. It’s like he’s detached from his body, staring down at himself from afar.
John hasn’t said a word since they arrived, since Dean’s world shattered. After getting rid of Ruby’s body, John’s been staring silently at the wall. Dean doesn’t care what he’s doing. Nothing matters anymore. Sam’s gone.
Dean gave him up. Dean failed him. Dean sent the baby brother he’d sworn to protect with his life to hell.
Bitter tears begin to trickle down his cheeks. He doesn’t care enough to brush them away. The only one he ever wanted to be strong for is gone.
♥
The pain never ends. The moment his body is too damaged, it heals up. And they start again.
He can’t even numb the pain; they’re too smart for that, alternating the torturing methods.
Sometimes it’s physical torture: they cut him and shred his skin to pieces, burn him, break his bones, twist the nails from his fingers, tear the lids from his eyes, take from him piece by piece.
Other times it’s humiliating and degrading: standing him on a pedestal, naked before the eyes of all, unable to do anything as they touch him and take their turns with him.
But the very worst, the thing that breaks him most is when they use their voices: telling him just how worthless he is, just how worthless Dean thinks he is. They quickly catch on that this hurts Sam most, and they use it as often as possible. Taunting and leering about how much Dean hates him, how badly he’s failed his brother, how glad Dean is to be without a worthless brother hanging over his shoulder.
It hurts to know that Dean thinks him insignificant. It hurts to know just how much his brother hates him. He’s useless, inadequate, worthless.
He’s alone.
♥
Dean stares at the swirling liquid, wondering whether it’s possible to drown himself in it. God knows he deserves it.
He sold his brother. He sold Sam, the very being he’d sworn to always protect, the kid he’d die for in an instant, the kid he loves more than life itself.
He signals for more.
None of the demons are willing to deal. They’ve got what the want. They’ve got exactly what they want: all the Winchester in the worst hell imaginable (figurative and not).
It doesn’t matter how long Dean tortures them, they never offer any information about Sam’s whereabouts, only that he’s in a worse place than he’s ever imagined. Lilith is pleased now; her only opposition is in her torture chambers, which means she’s the only one able to control the forces of hell for now.
They say she’s planning the apocalypse. Dean doesn’t care. Not anymore.
It’s been a month and still they haven’t come any closer to getting Sam back. It feels like there’s nothing else they can do.
♥
Sam wishes his consciousness would just fade away. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t know what goes for death in hell, but he longs for it. It’s the only thing he can cling onto.
It doesn’t matter how desperately he tries to zone out, they always find ways to bring him back.
But he’s getting used to it. He’s worthless, disgusting, foul. He’s a pet, nothing more. Dean knew that.
Now Sam’s learning that.
♥
One of the demons give Dean the gift of momentarily being able to see. It’s more of a curse than anything.
The flickering flames that dance circles around Sam’s quivering shape illuminate the scene brightly, like a spotlight. He’s on his knees, his head lowered, silent tears forming tracks down his ash-coated face. His broken body is so thin, coated with blood, dried and old, but the very worst is the defeated slump in his shoulders, like he’s long since given up hope.
Then he looks up, fear and pain and bone-deep torment swirling in the shimmering of his hazel orbs. His lips form a silent word, one Dean knows so very well. “Dean.”
Dean slams out of the vision, landing heavily on the ground as he tries to gain control over his breathing and his tears.
That’s his brother. His baby brother.
He don’t know why he grits his teeth and returns to it. Maybe it’s so he can see exactly what Sam’s being put through so he can hate himself even more.
Sam’s not alone anymore. A form stands before him, yanking him upright. Sam cries out in pain, his eyes scrunching up. The shadowed creature just grins, teeth glinting maliciously as it reaches out to slash four sharpened claws across Sam’s chest, spurting new red that trickles down the flat plains of Sam’s body.
Then, before Dean can guess what he’s seeing, Sam is being spun around, shoved to his knees, and then the being is inside him.
Dean’s brother is being raped before his very own eyes. And there’s nothing he can do about it but close his eyes and crawl back towards the real world.
♥
Sam decides not to care. He doesn’t do anything. He feels his memories of the outside world fading away, all save the one thing he repeats as a constant prayer, Dean.
He’s stopped fighting it.
If Dean put him here, then that means he deserves this. So Sam takes it like the disgusting thing that he is.
They put a leash on him and pass him around to service the creatures. He’s like a pet only lower. A sex slave, a fuck toy, a thing to be tortured whenever the demons feel like it, he’s all of those things and he doesn’t even care. Not anymore.
♥
The dreams start. First Dean’s sure they’re nightmares. After the fourth time he’s woken up and had to change come-stained sheets, he knows otherwise. The image of Sam on his knees has been on his mind for a while.
But it’s not some random demon fucking Sam; it’s Dean. And Sam’s definitely not crying out in pain.
Dean hates himself so badly he wishes he could just drop dead. Who the hell gets off on seeing their baby brother being forced to his knees?
♥
It’s about fifteen hellish years later that the demons come up with something new to torture him with. Something much more painful than anything they’ve done before: they take turns wearing Dean’s face.
They torture Sam while wearing Dean’s face. They rape him, they make him beg and service them, they kick him and call him names and spit at him, all while wearing Dean’s face.
In the pain and delirium, Sam finds himself begging Dean to stop.
♥
It’s five months after Sam was taken when Castiel shows up with news. The angel managed to obtain a contract for Sam’s release. Dean wants to know how, but when he sees the weariness in Castiel’s eyes, he doesn’t ask.
“Get him out,” he murmurs softly, praying for the first time in his life.
♥
Dean’s straddling him, pressing Sam’s face into the sulphuric soil while ramming his dick into Sam’s bleeding hole and laughing. Despite this happening every other moment, Sam can’t stop the cries that tear out of his bloody lips. The tears never seem to stop pouring down his cheeks, and his body trembles and shakes beneath the demon.
“What’s the matter, Sammy? Huh? You think you should be treated better, hey? Well, you’re wrong. You’re just a pathetic slut, nothing more than an easy lay. I hate you. You deserve this, you deserve all of this.”
Sam wants to beg Dean to stop, but he can’t. He knows he has no right to question, so he just turns his head further into the burning ground and takes it.
A shout breaks out from across the cavern, and Dean hisses and pulls out of him, leaving Sam a shivering mess on the floor. He dares to glance up, gaping in surprise at the bright light that seems to be falling through the ceiling. All around him, he can hear the creatures crying and shielding their eyes, but Sam continues to watch as the light gets closer and closer.
He cries out as something wraps around his arm, and begins struggling to get away from whatever it is, but the hold is resolute. It drags him up, breaking through the stony roof and beyond. Sam gasps at the air around him, free of the stench of rotting flesh and death and sulphur and blood, and turns towards the thing carrying him.
The form is familiar, but Sam can’t place it, and his body hurts too much to think about it, he just buries his face against it and holds on.
A few moments later, his breath gushes out of him in one go as he’s deposited in a field. For a few moments he lies there, gasping in the pure air and brushing his bruised fingers over the coolness of the grass beneath him. It’s so surreal to him and he gazes up at the blueness of the sky with wide eyes.
Then he rolls onto his side, curling into a small ball as he begins sobbing.
♥
Dean waits impatiently beside the Impala, cursing Castiel for taking so long. The angel’s been gone hours. The area around them is still empty, and Dean shoots a glance at his father.
John is staring down at the ground, eyes unreadable and lips pursed tightly together. “Dad?” Dean asks softly, unsure of his own question.
“He’ll be okay, Dean. He has to be.”
A rustling nearby has their eyes snapping towards it, and the sight before Dean has his heart pounding rapidly. Castiel’s striding towards them, his face uncharacteristically gentle as he gazes at the naked figure curled in his arms. Sam looks so vulnerable: clinging to Castiel’s shirt and burying his face in the dip of the angel’s neck.
Dean swallows thickly and begins racing forwards. “Sammy, Sammy. Oh, God, Sam,” he breathes, gently hefting his brother into his arms and hugging him tightly.
Sam peers up at him, eyes widening with terror and body trembling even more. “Please…no more,” he begs softly, turning back towards Castiel and reaching out for him like a lost child. Castiel moves forward instantly, taking Sam back into his arms and leaving Dean with a hollow, empty feeling in his heart. “Sammy?” he asks brokenly, wincing as this only causes Sam to whimper, burying his face in Castiel’s chest.
John’s hand falls gently on Dean’s shoulder and he murmurs, “Give it time, Dean.”
Swallowing thickly, Dean spins around, heading towards the cars again and gritting his teeth firmly together to stop himself from crying. Castiel carries Sam towards the Impala and attempts to deposit him in the backseat, but when Sam sobs and curls in on himself like he’s in agony, Castiel slides in after him.
As Sam crawls towards the angel and into its arms, Dean finds himself resenting Castiel. It should be him offering Sam comfort; it should be him making Sam feel safe. Then it hits him that this is entirely his fault. His brother’s pain and torture and everything else that went on down in hell is all Dean’s fault. And now Dean’s feeling jealous just because he’s not Sam’s favourite person anymore? He’s pathetic.
♥
♥
A soft sob has him jerking awake and peering through the darkness at the bed beside him. “Dean…” Sam chokes out in a broken tone, “Please… don’t… please… Dean… Dean…” Sam thrashes around on the bed, back arching as if he’s in utter agony, and all Dean can do is watch, tears pouring down his cheeks at the knowledge that Sam’s nightmares are of him.
Moments later, Castiel is there. The angel moves swiftly towards Sam, laying a hand gently on the man’s forehead and carefully climbing into the bed beside him, pulling Sam into his arms. All Dean can do is watch as Sam calms at the touch, curling into the angel’s arms with a soft sigh.
Castiel’s eyes cut towards Dean’s and the angel seems to read the question on his mind correctly as he murmurs, “I do not understand either… but… Sam makes me… want to protect him. I think I need to be here for him…”
Dean rolls over, trying to hide the pain that shoots through him at the words. That should be him.
♥
“Sammy?” Dean whispers gently, desperately trying to ignore the flinch. “Please, talk to me…”
Sam’s face just drains of blood as the kid takes a step backwards. He continues until his back hits the wall and suddenly Castiel is there.
Overcome with jealous rage at the way Sam’s eyes brighten at the sight, Dean takes a swing at the angel, sending him stumbling backwards. Satisfied, Dean turns back to his brother, cursing himself when he sees Sam huddled in the corner, his terrified eyes latched on Dean.
“Hey… Sam, I’m not going to hurt you…” Dean whispers gently, moving towards the man.
Sam’s trembling as he shrinks into himself, wide-orbs filled with horror and fear still latched onto Dean.
“Fuck,” Dean yells, punching the wall beside Sam, making the kid jerk and whimper. Feeling like a first-class asshole, Dean reaches for his brother, “Please, Sam… I’m sorry… I’m so fucking sorry…”
Just as Dean’s fingers are about to brush over Sam’s cheek, Dean finds himself being catapulted through the air, slamming with a thud into the opposite wall. Castiel stands there, shielding Sam from his sight, the angel’s eyes cold and steely. “Stay away from him,” Castiel grits out evenly.
Then the angel turns back to Sam, crouching beside him and pulling him into his arms. Sam goes willingly, letting himself be hoisted up by Castiel’s arms and carried over to the bed. Dean’s heart crumbles as he watches how Sam curls over the angel’s chest, laying his head down with a soft sigh.
Dean clenches his fist a few times, feeling the ache from Castiel’s jaw in one hand and the wall in the other.
Dean goes out to a bar that night and ends up fucking a random guy with shaggy hair out in the alley. He passes out somewhere and finds he doesn’t really care.
When he slips back into the motel room, it’s to find Sam laughing shyly, still tentative, but sincere as he lies across the bed, his head pillowed on the angel’s stomach. A sharp jolt of pain passes through Dean’s chest as Sam’s smile drops off his lips the second he becomes aware of Dean’s presence. Then Sam shivers and Castiel’s arms quickly wrap around him, hiding Dean’s baby brother from him.
“Castiel…” Dean whispers, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears, “I want to… Let me speak to my… Sam alone…”
A frown creases the angel’s forehead and he shakes his head, “Dean, Sam has no wish to speak with you.”
“Then let him fucking decide that!” Dean bellows, hating himself as he sees the terror taking hold of Sam. Quickly moving to kneel beside bed, Dean takes one of his brother’s hands into his own, trying to ignore how much it trembles at his touch. Pressing it to his lips, Dean gazes up at Sam, into his beautiful, broken brother’s eyes, hating how much fear and pain he sees shimmering in the hazel orbs and knowing it’s his fault.
“Sam… Sammy…” he pleads. “Sammy, it’s me… It’s Dean… your dickwad of a brother, remember him?” Dean laughs weakly, no energy behind it. “Just… Sam… can I… please let me talk to you…” he shoots a glance at the scowling angel, “without Castiel. Please, Sam… I just… you’re my brother…”
Sam rolls off Castiel’s chest, lying on his back, his gaze fixed on the ceiling, his eyes brimming with moisture. Slowly, he nods, his hands clenching in the sheets beneath him as if in an attempt to stem the tremors wracking his body.
After gently brushing the hair from Sam’s face, Castiel ducks to whisper something in his ear before disappearing, leaving the two brothers properly alone for the first time since Sam came back.
Dean crawls onto the bed, kneeling beside his brother’s body and reaching out for him, “Sam… please… please….” He doesn’t even know what he’s begging for, he just knows that he doesn’t deserve it.
Sam’s gorgeous eyes blink up at him through damp eyelashes, causing the fist clenching around Dean’s heart to tighten with emotion. “Sam…” he whispers brokenly, moving forward to bury his face against Sam’s chest. “Sam…”
The first words out of his brother’s mouth are definitely not what he’s expecting. He’s preparing for something hateful, angry, accusing. Instead he just gets a soft whisper, “I’m sorry.”
After a few moments of stunned blinking, Dean raises his head from his brother’s chest, reaching out to cradle the younger man’s face, “For what, Sam?”
Sam doesn’t reply, simply turning his head away, staring blankly at the wall.
Before Dean can attempt to decipher the meaning behind his brother’s words, the door bangs open behind them and their father enters the room. John doesn’t say anything as he heads towards Sam, reaching down to slide his fingers through the kid’s hair, “You okay, Sam?”
Despite his nod, Sam’s eyes remain distant, and it’s only when Castiel appears that life sparks in them once more as Sam relaxes into the angel’s touch.
Jealousy spreads bitterly over Dean’s tongue and he pulls away.
♥
They relocate to Bobby’s house, needing to get away from the curious eyes of the motel owner.
♥
“Dean… he just needs-”
“-time. Yeah, I know,” Dean slurs at his father. “How much more time does he need to get over this? I mean, we,” he gestures between the two of them with his beer bottle. “We went to hell. We went to hell for longer’n him and we’re not clinging pansy assed to a fucking angel.”
John steps back, his face darkening, “I’m going to let that one go considering how drunk you are. We don’t know how bad it was for Sam down there, we only know that it was worse that we could ever imagine.”
Ignoring his father, Dean continues ranting, “He doesn’t even look at me. He’s only said two words to me and he’s always hanging off his precious angel. We would’ve all been so much better off if we’d just left the ungrateful bitch in hell!”
As the words leave his lips, Dean hears a sharp intake of breathe and looks up, his heart sinking as he sees Sam’s back disappearing down the hallway. “Sam!” he staggers to his feet and begins to go after him, only to trip over his stool.
John gets to his feet beside him and walks past without helping Dean up. The look he sends his son is pure disgust.
A few seconds later, Castiel’s yanking Dean up and slamming him against the wall. “What did you say to him?”
Dean’s gaze sinks to the floor and he remains silent. The angel smashes him back once more and then vanishes, leaving Dean to slide down the wall into a heap.
♥
The next morning Dean wakes up with pain splitting through his skull, his vision blurry and his mouth tasting vile. Stumbling to his feet, he makes his way to the sink, splashing his face and swishing his mouth clean. Then he heads for the main bedroom, needing to apologise to Sam.
As he slowly pushes to door open, he nearly chokes at the sight before him. Castiel’s naked. His body writhes, pressing an equally naked Sam into the mattress as the angel’s hands slide over him. Dean’s baby brother gazes up at Cas, the kid’s cheeks flushed and his eyes awed. He’s absolutely gorgeous and Dean’s breath catches in his throat as his eyes blur with tears.
“Cas…” Sam murmurs, his voice low and shredded. “Please… please…”
A biting rage fills Dean’s chest as he watches the pair together. He doesn’t know how he’s avoided detection from them, but he suspects they’re both far too lost in their pleasure to notice a thing.
“Make me yours…” Sam pleads softly. “Cas… need you…”
Unable to watch for a second longer, Dean spins silently around and doesn’t stop running until he’s about a mile from the house. Then he sags down on the ground and begins sobbing.
All he wanted to do was pull Cas off Sam and claim the kid as his own. Sam belongs to him and only him. No one else should get to touch him.
Dean hates himself so much for feeling like he does. He’s becoming a monster. He is a monster. Not only did he send Sam to hell, but he also wants to fuck his own brother, how sick is that?
Sam’s safer away from him.
♥
“Sam,” Dean calls softly into the darkness, hearing the rustling of two forms.
A soft, shaky voice answers, “Y… yes, De…Dean?”
Ignoring the fact that he knows Castiel is listening, Dean murmurs quietly, “I just want to tell you how sorry I am. It wasn’t what I wanted. When I made the deal, I was drunk and angry. The demon asked me for something, I… I didn’t think I had anything but the Impala, so I didn’t care what the creature took for Dad. I wanted him here, Sam. But if I had known I would lose you, I would never have gone through with it.” He begins crying but he doesn’t have the energy to stop. “I love you, Sam. I love you so fucking much and it’s killing me every time you flinch away from me. You’re everything good in my life, never forget that…. I… I’m going away… I don’t know when or even if I’ll come back. It just… this is hurting us both, Sam… and it’s my fault, this all is, I know… but…” Dean turns to go, “Goodbye, Sam…” after a moment’s pause, he adds, “Please look after him for me, Cas…” Then, with a heavy heart, he begins to leave.
“Dean…” a faint voice calls after him, and he freezes. He hears the sounds of someone stumbling in the darkness, and before he knows what’s happening, Sam’s in his arms, clutching at him tightly.
“Oh, Sam…” Dean chokes, burying his face in his brother’s soft hair, “Sammy, my Sammy…”
Tears are streaming down the kid’s face when Dean pulls back, and it feels like a knife being plunged into Dean’s chest. With trembling fingers, he carefully wipes them away, cradling Sam’s face in his palms.
“Love you, Sammy,” he murmurs, brushing his lips over the kid’s forehead and breathing for what feels like the first time in months. “Love you so fucking much…”
“It’s you…” Sam whispers, his voice cracking. “It’s really you…”
“Of course it’s me, Sammy. Who else would it be?” Dean lowers them to the floor, leaning back against the wall and pulling Sam closer.
Curling at his side, Sam presses his nose to the dip of the older man’s neck and inhales deeply. Then he begins crying properly, full wracking sobs. At first Dean is alarmed, but when Sam only shuffles closer, he can’t do anything more than tighten his hold.
“What is it, Sammy?”
“You smell… you smell like Dean,” the kid chokes.
“You’re not makin’ any sense, bro…” Dean murmurs, gently brushing the bangs for his brother’s beautiful face.
“They… they… all looked… sounded… like Dean… but… you smell like him... You’re… you’re Dean…”
“Sammy?” Dean raises an eyebrow in question. “Who looked like me?” As Sam’s trembling increases, the awful realisation comes to him and all the blood drains from his face. “They… the demons… they pretended to be me?”
“It hurt…” Sam gasps out. “I tried… I tried but you… they… they never stopped… It hurt, De. It hurt so bad… But you never stopped… you never stopped…”
Tears begin sliding down Dean’s cheeks as he shakes his head vehemently, “Not me, Sammy. Not me… Never me, I swear, Sammy… I swear… Please, Sam… it wasn’t me…”
“Sam…” a voice calls from the doorway, making them turn their tear-streaked faces towards Castiel’s silhouette. “Are you okay?”
A fist clenches around Dean’s heart as Sam detangles one of his hands from his shirt and reaches out for the angel. Castiel immediately closes the distance and kneels before Dean’s brother. The angel’s eyes cut towards the older Winchester momentarily before falling on Sam and softening.
Dean barely manages to hold in his growl as Castiel reaches out to stroke the kid’s cheek, but then Sam lets out a small, happy sound which warms Dean from the inside.
Castiel, of course, has to ruin it by asking softly, “Shall we go to bed?”
The younger man hesitates, turning towards his brother and raising his eyes to his face slowly. “Dean?”
Skimming his hand soothing up Sam’s spine, Dean replies softly, “Yeah, Sammy?”
“Be here in the morning? Please…?”
“I’ll be here,” Dean murmurs, reaching up to press a soft kiss to the crown of his brother’s head. He doesn’t miss how the angel’s hand twitches at the movement. Ignoring Castiel, Dean just pulls Sam into a tight hug, lightly brushing his lips over the side of his cheek and whispering, “Love you, Sammy… Be here as long as you want me…”
The second Dean pulls back, the angel moves forwards, hoisting Sam up and helping him towards the bedroom. Over his shoulder, Sam calls softly, “Night, De.”
“Night, Sammy…”
As the door slides shut and all the light vanishes from the room, Dean thumps his head back against the wall and grins into the darkness, his chest glowing with remaining warmth from Sam.
He’s getting his brother back. He never thought it possible, but there’s a chance they can fix things between them. And about his perverted, non-brotherly thoughts? Well, Dean can learn to control himself, right?
Right.
♥
♥
“Dean, you want a sandwich?” Sam asks tentatively, holding out the plate.
Breaking out into a wide smile at the fact that Sam is initiating a conversation with him, Dean nods, “Thanks, Sammy. I’m starving.” He ignores the fact that he’s just eaten and reaches for the plate.
Their fingers brush slightly, and Sam ducks his head, blushing softly. “You’re welcome.”
“Join me?” Dean nudges, gesturing towards a nearby hood. His grin widens as Sam hops onto it, only to hop off with a small squeak. “It hot?” he asks innocently.
Sam glares at him for all of three seconds before something hideous passes across his face and he drops his gaze, his body trembling.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Dean soothes, quickly moving towards his brother. “I’m sorry, Sam. It was just a joke… Sammy?”
“It’s okay, Dean,” Sam whispers softly, not raising his eyes from the ground. “I know… I know why you did it…”
“Why I did what? Sam? Trick you into burnin’ your ass?”
The shake of his head is minute and his voice is barely audible as he continues, “And… and I agree with you… you should have left me down there…” And with that, he takes off across the stretch of land, his shoulders slumped and head hanging as he heads for the forest nearby.
“Sammy!” Dean yells, already taking after him.
Fortunately Sam’s not yet reached his previous fitness level, so Dean catches up with him after a few minutes. Throwing his arms around the younger man, Dean pulls them to a skidding halt. “Sam, god… I don’t think we should have left you there, you’ve got to know that, dude. I’d die for you in a heartbeat. Less than. And, Sam… what do you mean you know why I did it?”
His body tremors against the older man’s as he shakes his head, “’m not worth it, De… ‘s alright… I know… I know…”
“Oh… Sammy… No, you don’t know… The deal I made… the only reason I went to the demon was to offer up my soul for Dad’s. I wanted him here to help you. I knew he’d be able to look after you better than me. And I fucked up because they didn’t want my ‘tarnished’ soul or whatever, and I offered them anything else. It was a mistake, Sam. A stupid mistake and you have no idea how often I’ve felt like killing myself for what I did. Because, you… Sam, you’re the best thing in my entire fucking life. I don’t give a damn if I lose everything else, so long as you’re with me.”
Sam shakes his head with a bitter chuckle, “I bet that doesn’t include your Impala.”
Slowly turning him around, Dean cups his face in his palm, gently stroking tears away with his thumb. “You want me to go smash it up right now? I would if that’d make you believe me.”
The kid’s eyes widened slightly and that’s all Dean needs, he picks up a nearby pole. “Come on, I’ll go do it right now.”
Sam’s utterly disbelieving as he silently follows his brother to the front of the house where the Impala is parked. Dean turns towards him, “Tell me to do it.”
Swallowing visibly, Sam whispers, “Do it…”
Without hesitation, Dean swings the metal through the air, smashing it down onto the windscreen. A few months ago he would have died rather than do this, but time without Sam made his realise just were his priorities lie. And Sam’s miles beyond miles above everything else.
But all the commotion has John racing out the house, yelling, “What the hell are you doing?”
Dean glances over at his gaping brother, “You want me to carry on?”
Still obviously shell-shocked, Sam slowly shakes his head. Then he’s moving forwards, his hand gently prying the metal from Dean’s fingers and tossing it to the ground. Then he slides his arms around him and hugs him tightly. “Thank you…”
Dean’s fingers slide up to cradle the back of his brother’s head, and he buries his nose in Sam’s curls. “Nothing means more to me than you. You’ve got to believe it.”
Over the younger man’s shoulder, Dean glances at their father’s puzzled expression and watches him slowly retreat back into the house.
“Dean…” Sam breathes softly, his words tickling my ear slightly, “I… I never stopped… even when they… I never stopped loving you… I wanted to, god… I wanted to hate you so much… but all I felt was disgusted at myself for being so… for being nothing to you… I…”
“Shhh,” Dean whispers brokenly, leaning back and brushing the hair from his brother’s face and beginning to pepper soft, barely-there kisses over his skin. “You’re perfect, Sam. You’re so goddamn perfect and I love you so fucking much. Wish I could…” he cuts off there, his eyes sliding shut.
“You wish you could?”
Letting out a soft sigh, Dean kisses Sam’s forehead once more, his lips lingering against the man’s skin. “I wish I could show you how much I love you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Forgive me, Sammy. Please?”
“Dean, what are you talking about?”
Overcome with need and love, Dean cups the kid’s face in his hands and gently presses their lips together, inhaling deeply.
When he pulls away, Sam’s wide eyes peer at him through bangs, and the younger man murmurs, “I forgive you.”
Still reeling from what he’s just done, Dean doesn’t realise what his body is still doing until Sam steps back, away from his searching lips.
With his palm firm against Dean’s chest, Sam shakes his head slowly, “Dean… I…”
Coming to his senses as if slapped, Dean pulls back, “Sorry, Sammy. I…Fuck… I’m sorry… I know… I know you’re Castiel’s”
And, obviously, that’s when the angel chooses to appear. Stepping up behind Sam, Castiel slides his arms around the kid’s waist and pulls him back, away from Dean.
Lowering his gaze, Dean swallows down the instinct within that tells him to snatch Sam out of the blue-eyed angel’s arms and never let Castiel touch him again.
He jumps slightly when a soft voice murmurs, “He is not mine, Dean.” The angel angles Sam’s head for a tender kiss, smiling softly at the human. Then the blue eyes lock with Dean’s. “He is ours. Can you not feel it?”
As if drawn by an invisible cord, Dean finds himself stepping towards the pair, his hand sliding out to cradle Sam’s face, turning him for a kiss.
He shifts in closer, nudging his tongue against Sam’s lips until they open enough for him to slip past, deepening the kiss.
Sam tastes so good, clean and fresh and cool. Innocent. It’s intoxicating and Dean can already feel a heady rush filling him. His thigh slides between Sam’s legs, widening the younger man’s stance slightly and forcing him to lean back against Castiel for support.
“Dean,” Sam moans softly, his arms looping around the older Winchester’s neck, drawing him in closer.
Ducking his head, Dean drags his lips over his brother’s smooth jaw, breathing out harshly against his neck. “Love you, Sammy.”
There’s a soft, sniffled laugh and then they’re hugging, gripping at each other more tightly than they ever have before. Castiel steps back and away, a smile on his lips as he heads for the house.
Dean slowly lowers them to the ground, keeping his brother wrapped in his arms. Sam’s fingers creep tentatively over the older man’s shirt, gripping at the material. “Dean… I might… if we…” the kid let out a shaky sigh. “If we do anything… I… might…”
Silencing him with a soft kiss, Dean tugs his brother even closer, until Sam’s practically in his lap. He brushes the hair from the kid’s face and murmurs gently, “It’s okay, dude… We don’t have to do anything…. Not until you feel comfortable.”
Sam sounds so small when he whispers, “I’m sorry….”, and Dean’s chest clenches with the overwhelming swell of affection.
“Hey,” he interjects gently, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Sammy… They used… they used my face… Hell, I’m surprised you can stand looking at me at all.”
Burying his face in Dean’s shoulder, Sam inhales deeply. “Yeah… but they didn’t-”
“-smell like me,” the older man finishes with a grin. “What do I smell like anyway?” he asks with a chuckle.
Sam breathes in again, then exhales with a smile. With his cheek resting over Dean’s heart, the younger man murmurs softly, “Kinda like leather… gun oil… soap…sweat… and those annoying sweet things you’re always chewing.”
Closing his eyes, Dean smiles into the soft mess of hair, mentally vowing never to change any of those things. “Never thought I’d have to share my brother with an annoying prick of an angel.”
When Sam laughs, freely and openly, Dean can’t help the warmth that spreads through him, easing the tightness from his chest. To be on the receiving end of that, to be the reason for his baby brother’s happiness, it just makes Dean feel like he belongs.
“Damn… I’ve missed you, Sammy…” Dean murmurs, “Never gonna let you go. Never again.” He rolls them over, pinning Sam beneath him and grinning down at his beautiful brother.
Lowering himself slowly, he fits himself flush on top of the kid, their legs entwined. Sam tilts his head up, seeking a kiss that Dean’s only too willing to give. But just as their lips touch, Sam wriggles beneath him. This is followed by a small giggle and another squirm. At Dean’s raised eyebrow, Sam shakes his head and grins, “Something itchy…”
Before Dean can help his brother locate whatever’s down his shirt, a loud voice booms from across the parking lot. “What the hell’s going on here?”
Scrambling to their feet, they turn towards their father, their hands still gripping at each other.
“Dean, come here, I need to talk to you,” John growls.
With a frustrated sigh, Dean runs his fingers soothingly through his brother’s hair before heading towards the older man. “Yes, Dad?”
“Son… Look, I’m glad you and Sam are fixing things, but this… this is not right… You’re brothers, for God’s sake, Dean.”
“Dad…” Dean all but snarls, “I love him, and I know he loves me. Don’t you fucking interfere.”
“I am your father, Dean. And I will not allow this to happen.” The man’s voice rises to a shout. “Incest is wrong. It’s disgusting and I will not allow it.”
Equally as riled up, Dean yells back, “Well, fuck you! If you aren’t happy with us, then you can just back the fuck off. Either leave or we will happily do so. I would’ve thought you of all people would understand.” His voice cracks slightly. “After all we’ve been through, Dad… you’re honestly going to deprive us of one thing that we both need; the one thing that makes our lives bearable?”
John’s determinedness falters for a second, but just as Dean’s beginning to think his father is giving in, the man’s face hardens, and his voice is almost sly as he continues, “He’s too vulnerable right now, Dean. Can’t you see that you’re taking advantage?”
Dean’s spine goes rigid and he spits out, “Fuck you.” Then he turns, about to head back to Sam.
“John…” a smooth voice murmurs from behind them. They turn to see Castiel’s blue eyes flashing. “The love that Sam and Dean have for one another, it is stronger than you know. Neither you nor Dean know what Sam underwent in hell. And I… I only glimpsed… But… I know that to come out of that still loving Dean, in every and any way… it’s a near miracle. So… you denying them this, it’s beyond cruel. It’s foolish and selfish and based solely on the man inflicted laws that have no grounds in reality whatsoever.” Castiel shoots a small smile at Dean, “And to say that Sam is being taken advantage of? Well, why don’t you speak to your youngest son about that? I have absolutely no doubt that if Sam ever gives the slightest hint that he is unhappy with either me or Dean being with him, we will stop.”
John looks as though he’s about to faint. With a shaking finger he points towards Castiel, then towards Sam. “You… you too?”
Vanishing into thin air, Castiel appears a second later before the youngest Winchester across the lot. Taking Sam into his arms, Cas full-on smooches him and despite his jealous flare, Dean can’t help chuckling.
“But… he’s an angel,” Dad hisses. “How can he just…?”
Dean ignores the man entirely and heads back towards the lip-locked pair. “Break it up, I’m getting jealous.”
When Castiel pulls back, Sam’s flushing a beetroot colour and his lips are all slick and shiny.
Grinning down at his kid brother, Dean realises he’s surprisingly okay with the idea of Castiel and him sharing. Sure he’ll have to sneak his brother away occasionally for some secluded time, but otherwise… He trusts Castiel not to hurt his brother, and he trusts the angel to look after Sam, maybe not as well as Dean can himself, but a close substitute.
“I’m going to get some shuteye, you coming?”
Sam’s eyes brighten and the brunette nods, “Sure, I’ve been so tired lately, it’s crazy.”
Arching his eyebrow up at the angel in silent question, Dean lets out a sigh of relief when Castiel shakes his head and murmurs softly, “I’ll be back later.”
When the celestial being disappears, Dean pulls Sam into a warm embrace before turning to head to the house, keeping his arm slung around his brother’s shoulders.
They ignore Bobby and John – arguing in the living room – and head straight towards the main bedroom. Dean feels slightly awkward undressing, but sneaking glances at his brother is so worth it, especially when the blush comes into play. And then, when they’re down to boxers, they slip beneath the covers, warm bodies sliding together as Dean takes his lover into his arms and cradles him to his chest.
Dean feels like he’s finally found home, even more so when Sam just lets out a soft, happy sound and curls closer. Yet again, Dean’s amazed by how small his brother seems. Sam’s a pretty big guy, but he’s really just Dean’s kid brother.
With his fingers tangling in soft hair, Dean smiles up at the ceiling, thanking whoever it is that’s letting him have this, even after everything he’s done.
♥
