Finding home
Jared returns from war to find his husband and kids are living with another man. Hurt, angry and distraught, can Jared ever find a place to call home again?
15,000 words; hurt!Jared, NC-17, Jared/Jensen, Jared/Misha.
Turn left at the old hotel
I know this boulevard much too well
It hasn't changed since I’ve been gone
Oh, this used to be my way home
They paved the road through the neighborhood
I guess the county finally fixed good
It was gettin’ rough
Someone finally complained enough
Fight the tears back with a smile
Stop and look for a little while
Oh it's plain to see
The only thing missing is me
That's my house & that's my car
That's my dog in my back yard
There's the window to the room
Where she lays her pretty head
I planted that tree out by the fence
Not long after we moved in
Those are my kids and that's my wife
Who's that man, runnin’ my life?
♥
The steering wheel feels strange beneath the pads of my fingers: smooth and new, nothing like the battered vehicles I’ve been driving for the past few years.
The passing scenery is painfully familiar. This used to be my way home.
It’s like I’ve fallen into a dream, everything exactly how I remember it. It’s like I’ve never been gone.
I bite back the prickling tears and smile wryly as I round the corner.
And there it is: the home I’ve been fighting for.
I pull over on the opposite side of the road, just to look for a while. I know I can’t stay long.
Harley and Sadie are romping happily in the yard, my baby boy laughing in their midst. He’s so big now. He looks happy.
Jade wanders out, wearing a shirt that’s too big for her, and a tear finally brims over, tracking its way down my cheek.
They’re so beautiful.
The front door opens and my breath catches when he comes into view. God, I’ve missed him so much.
He looks happy: his face alight and carefree. He looks good.
The kids see him and they launch a running attack. He’s laughing as he swings them round.
A man comes out behind them and Jensen shoots him a smile over his shoulder. He kisses Jensen softly on the lips and I look away, my heart crumbling. That used to be mine.
I turn my eyes back to the kids. Sammy’s teasing his sister now, holding her toy just out of reach. But he doesn’t let her start crying: he hoists her up and blows a raspberry on her cheek, making her giggle happily.
They’re growing up so well.
I want to leap out of the car, snatch them up into my arms and never let them go. I want Jensen’s arms around me, his chest solid and warm against mine.
But I know it’ll just cause a scene if I go over now.
The kids have been through hell. I hear they’ve adjusted well, considering…
My face is damp by the time I manage to drag my gaze away, and I move lethargically, putting the car back into gear and starting the ignition.
This isn’t my life anymore.
It’s only as I drive past that Jensen looks up, his eyes widening as they fall on me. I force my head away, fixing my gaze on the road in front of me.
He’s not mine anymore.
♥
♥
When I’ve dragged myself far enough away, I pull over.
Misha answers on the third ring. For a few seconds my lips can’t even form words.
“Jay? Jared?” he gets out desperately; and I feel something clench inside of me at the sound of my friend’s voice.
“Yeah… I’m here….”
“Oh, fuck, Jay! Man, that’s great! You’re here! You’re safe! Fuck… I’m gonna kill you, asshole. What the hell? Three years?”
“Yeah…” I choke out softly, “Missed you too…”
“Get your ass over here, no excuses, man.”
My eyes slide closed and I whisper back softly, “Okay…”
Then his voice lowers and he gets out gently, “Did you… uh… did you hear about Je-”
I cut him off, “-yeah. Yeah, I heard when I landed. One of the local officers brought me up to date with…”
“Jay, I’m so sorry, man.”
“Yeah…” I cough hoarsely, “Anyway, you better have beer.”
“You know me.”
“Shit,” he murmurs when he opens the door. Then I’m being hugged to within an inch of my life, and I sag into him, letting him take some of my weight.
I’m just so tired.
When he eventually releases me, it’s to grip my face between his palms and turn it this way and that, examining every inch of it. When his breath catches, I know he’s spotted the scar. He steps closer, reaching up to brush my hair out the way so he can see it clearly, but I push him away gently, my eyes begging him to leave it.
He reluctantly steps back, giving me room to enter his house.
“Well, this hasn’t changed,” I get out with a soft laugh, eying the beer can sculpture in the corner. We spent ages building that thing, knocking it over every five minutes because we were so wasted. I’m surprised that Misha still has it.
“And there should be soap and a towel in there somewhere,” Misha gets out helpfully, sticking his head around the bathroom door.
“Okay, thanks.” I send him a small smirk, “You wanna watch? I don’t mind.”
The look on his face is priceless.
The feeling of soft sheets beneath me is something so foreign. A distant memory. A bizarre luxury.
My eyes are glued to the ceiling, watching the shadows of trees outside.
I can still hear the screaming.
I can still feel the heat of the flames eating at my skin.
I can still see them dying.
Curling up on my side, I try to fight the shivers, but they only grow worse. Sweat makes my skin clammy, and I toss and turn, trying to find a way to make it stop.
I don’t want to be there any longer.
I don’t want to have seen what I have.
I just wish I could go back to a time when I was happy.
I’ve lost everything. I gave everything.
There’s nothing left but nightmares.
I wake up feeling even more exhausted, but I roll out of bed anyway. A glance to the clock lets me know that it’s four in the morning – force of habit, I guess. Drilled into me.
I spare a glance at the mirror, grimacing at the image that stares back. With my hair pushed out of my face, I can see the scar clearly. Running parallel to my hairline, just across my temple. It’s not really that big; it feels like it should be some marring, gruesome thing. It’s not.
Pulling my shirt up and over my head, I check the scar on my shoulder. This one’s more real.
I close my eyes to the heat and pain and screams, and I splash my face with icy water.
Then I creep outside to do my morning routine.
“It really was you,” his voice startles me from my 434th sit up.
My eyes widen when they land on him. “Jensen,” I get out in a soft gasp, trying to ignore how my chest compresses painfully at the sight.
“You’re back.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and choke out, “Yeah…. I landed yesterday morning.”
“You came by the house.”
My eyes fall to the grass beside me and I murmur softly, “Jensen… I…”
“Why didn’t you come in?”
I dig my fingers into the knees of my sweats to stop my hands from shaking. “I didn’t want to intrude…”
“Intrude?” he gets out with a growl, making me jump slightly. “Fucking hell, Jared. Three years! Three fucking years, never even knowing whether you were still alive by the time I got the letters, not even knowing which godforsaken place you were in, or if your body was lying dead in a gutter somewhere, and you didn’t want to intrude?”
“Jensen… what do you want me to say?” I whisper brokenly, looking up at him through tear-blurred eyes.
Something inside of him seems to crack, and he falls to his knees beside me, hand reaching up to cradle my face. Like Misha, he searches for injuries, thumb brushing softly over my cheek.
“Tell me that you’re okay. Tell me that you’re safe and here and home. Tell me that you’re alive.”
“I’m alive,” I breathe softly, leaning into his touch. He lets out a stifled sound, and then he’s lunging forwards, arms fitting around me, pressing me firmly against his chest. I’m sweaty and I probably stink, but he doesn’t care, not if the way he’s clutching me with everything he has is anything to go by.
Tears are trickling down my face, seeping into his shirt, and all I can do is squeeze my eyes closed and relish this moment. This is all I’ve wanted every second of every day, for the past three years.
“God, Jay,” he chokes out against the side of my neck, “I’ve missed you so much. So fucking much you have no idea.”
Why couldn’t you wait for me?
I don’t ask him; I don’t want to hear the answer.
“Jay?” another voice calls, breaking the moment. I slowly pull away from Jensen to meet Misha’s worried gaze. “Oh… hey, Jensen.”
He shifts awkwardly in the doorway, obviously not liking the fact that Jensen is here, but also not certain what to do. Eventually he lets out a sigh, “You guys want to come in for breakfast? It looks like it’s going to start raining soon.”
“How are the kids?” I finally manage to get out, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
A warm smile forms on Jensen’s lips, and it just hurts too much. I drop my gaze to my untouched food.
“They’re good. Sammy’s looking after his sister, she adores her annoying big brother and he really loves her too. He’s just started playing soccer, absolutely loves the game and she’s moved from barbies to action figures, she’s getting really into the superhero comics now. That’s all they ever want us to read to them.”
I force a weak smile. “And school?”
“Well, Sammy’s in his second year, doing really well in English – he’s got your genes – and Jade will be starting next year, we’re busy teaching her to read, giving her an early start.”
“And Harley? Sadie?”
“We… I take them for a run every morning.”
The pain is just too much. I stand up so abruptly, my chair topples over with a loud clank. The two men eye me cautiously, but I ignore them, stumbling blindly from the room.
I barely even notice the rain. I just keep running. This is something I know: how to keep my body moving without needing my mind to be focused. Just to keep going.
Eventually I slow down, sagging down on the curb of the road, hair plastered to my face as I watch the rain water seep around my bare feet.
I wish I were lying dead in a gutter somewhere; it would hurt less.
About an hour later, Jensen finds me. He lowers himself heavily beside me.
We sit there for about twenty minutes in the freezing rain, until I finally speak. My voice is hoarse and raw, and I keep my gaze fixed elsewhere as I ask softly, “What’s his name?”
It takes him a while to answer.
“David Martin.”
“What does he do?”
“He’s an accountant.”
I snort out a bitter laugh and nod jerkily.
“How long have you been with him?”
He’s silent for a long while.
“A year and a half.”
“Are you happy?”
Another long silence.
“Yes.”
“Okay.” I get to my feet shakily, ridiculously thankful that the rain hides my tears. “Give the kids my love, tell them that they kept me alive… just… do they even remember me?”
When Jensen’s eyes shift slightly, it’s all the answer I need.
“Never mind. Just forget the message. It’s probably better this way. Goodbye, Jensen.”
Then I disappear into the rain.
“What are you doing, man?” Misha chases after me, grabbing my shoulder seconds before I reach the truck.
Shrugging out of his grip, I adjust the standard duffel on my back, and turn towards him. “There’s nothing for me here, man.”
“No, fuck you, Jared. You don’t get to do this again. You were gone for three years! Three years, man. I have no idea what goes on there… I’m not even sure I want to know, but you can’t go back. Do you know what a hell it’s been? And always having to go through Jensen to get news? I’ve been so pissed off at him for giving up. Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been for you? I mean, you practically dropped off the radar, no emails, no nothing, and now you want to do that again? What the hell?”
“Misha…” I murmur softly, “I’ve lost everything. Don’t you get that? My house, my dogs, my stuff. My kids don’t even know I exist. And Jensen’s just… There’s nothing left for me here.”
The man lets out an angry growl and hisses, “Fuck you.” Then his hands are gripping either side of my face, holding me still as his lips seal roughly over mine.
I pull away with a surprised gasp, only to be tugged back in. The kiss is softer, more questioning, and I sink into it with a low groan, my hands coming up to grip at his shoulders. “Mish…. Misha, what are you doing?” I murmur against his lips.
Dragging me in closer, his hand sliding up to tangle in my hair, he whispers hoarsely back, “Showing you what you can have if you just open your fucking eyes.” Then he pulls back, eyes rising to meet mine, shining with veiled uncertainty.
It’s almost as if someone’s just smashed me over the head with a rifle. I blink blankly at him for a few seconds before I feel myself soften and I reach out for him, sliding a hand down his cheek, eyes tracing over his features. I gently pull him in for a tender kiss, breathing him in.
“Misha… this is… Give me time, yeah?”
His blue eyes light up and he grins at me, “I got some tacos if you want?”
Casting a final glance at the truck, I nod my head with a warm smile, “Sounds good.”
As I lay my head down on his lap and his arm loops easily around my chest, pulling me closer, I release a breath I hadn’t even known I was holding and sag against him, eyes fluttering closed.
I smile as his fingers fall to my hair, carding through gently.
“I missed you too, you know?” I murmur honestly. “Missed our guys’ nights out, getting pissed and staggering back here like drunken morons.”
“You always were a lightweight,” he laughs fondly, fingers tracing over my face. When they slip down to brush over my lips, I nip playfully at them, stealing another laugh from him. Hearing it makes some of the cold slip out of me.
But that cold comes right back when I feel his finger tracing over my scar. “What happened?” he asks softly. My eyes snap open, staring up at the bland ceiling, and I remain silent.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“No,” I shake my head and peer up at him, into his stunningly clear eyes. “You’re allowed to ask….Nothing wrong with being curious.” I turn further into his arms, hiding my face against his chest as I try not to slip back into the memory.
“It was an explosion, pieces of shrapnel grazed me as they went past, there and one got my stomach,” His breath catches slightly, his arms tightening their hold of me, and I draw strength from it and shrug, “It should have been worse than this.”
“How far away from it were you?”
“Two meters… I shouldn’t actually be alive.”
“Don’t say that, Jay.”
My arms slide around him, clutching him tightly as I force myself to continue. “Two guys… two kids… they were… fuck… they were about fifteen meters behind me. It shouldn’t have… it should have killed me… it should have been me…”
A firm hand tilts my head up, and lips gently slide over mine, soothing me. My eyes flutter closed as I allow the sensation to take hold of me. Misha’s so warm and real beside me, his touch so reverent: a touch that isn’t painful or calloused. I pull back and loop my arms around him, drawing him in a tight embrace and burying my face in the dip of his shoulder.
“Thank you,” I breathe softly into his ear.
“For what?”
“Being here.”
His arms tighten, and a soft kiss is pressed against my temple. “If tomorrow’s a good day, I say we head down to the beach. What do you think?”
“Sounds awesome, I haven’t seen the sea in….”
“Three years,” he finishes softly.
“Yeah… its so weird, I kind of feel like if I close my eyes I’ll be right back there, all those faces watching me, waiting for my decisions… it’s just… I don’t know.”
He lowers himself down on the couch, lying lengthwise across it, pulling me down with him. “You were a captain?”
“Sergeant: got promoted during the second year.”
“I never knew that.”
“I guess I never really thought about it. I have the badge on my uniform, though.”
We lie there in comfortable silence for a few moments, and then I raise my head to peer down at him. “What have you been up to since I left? You still on Wreckage?”
“Yeah, did a few guest roles for some other shows, but not much besides that. The show is going great though, you should see about getting a role, the directors would love you.”
I laugh softly and drop my head back down on his shoulder, “Yeah, maybe. It’d take me a while to get back into the swing of things.”
His hand slides up to rest on the back of my head, fingers gently carding through my hair. “Fuck, dude. I’ve really missed you, can’t believe you’re here.”
“How long?” I ask softly, hand sliding up to rest on his chest, just over his heart.
He tilts his head down, lips brushing mine as he whispers, “Does it matter?”
“I’m sorry if it hurt,” I whisper. “Would hate if it did.”
A huff of breath blows out against my cheek, and I raise my eyes to meet his warm gaze. “You haven’t changed one bit,” he gets out with a grin, resting his forehead against mine. “I wouldn’t change it. Even if nothing ever happens between us, I still wouldn’t regret it.”
I let out a soft breath of air, melting against his side, letting my eyes slide closed as I wonder how I missed this all those years I’ve known him. “Just like this… this is nice,” I murmur.
A warm hand strokes gently down the curve of my back, resting lightly at my waist. Misha’s touch doesn’t feel constricting or presuming, just there. A soft, gentle presence.
Screams fill the air, echoing from all directions, disorienting me. I stumble on the hard dust, and catch myself with a hand on burning plaster.
The air crackles around me, the heat catching my cheeks. My legs feel detached, disobeying my every intended move. But I force myself on, using the crumbling walls to guide me through the smoke.
There’s hot blood seeping down my face, getting in my eyes, and when I press my hand to my side, it comes away bloody.
“Greg!” I yell into the noise, straining my ears for any responding call.
A warning groan has me diving out the way as a portion of the ceiling crashes down into a smoldering heap beside me. The flames lap angrily at my feet, and I scramble away, jerking when my hand lands in warm liquid that’s not mine.
My head snaps around.
The empty stare.
So much blood.
My voice echoes from earlier, “We’re all getting out of here, understand me? All of us.” Greg’s trusting eyes; his warmth beside me in the jeep.
I wake up screaming.
Arms pin me down, but I struggle against them. A voice – so familiar – calls me. My unfocused eyes land on him.
Soft fingers brush dampness from my cheeks and the fight seeps out of me.
I sink into his arms, clutching desperately at his back as I try to drag myself away from the flames still burning behind my eyelids.
“It’s okay,” he whispers hoarsely into my ear. “Jay, breathe. You’re okay. You’re here. I got ya.”
“I’m sorry,” I choke out brokenly, hiding my face in the smooth skin of his neck as if it will erase my shame.
His arms just tighten around me, pressing me firmly against his chest. “You got nothing to be sorry for, Jare. Nothing.”
Several long moments pass before I’ve calmed enough to know I’m not going to start bawling. I slowly raise my head, pulling away. He lets me slip out of his arms, and straightens up beside me, the line of his body pressed comfortingly against my side.
“You want some hot chocolate?” he murmurs, startling me from an approaching reverie.
I meet his gaze uncertainly, afraid of what I’ll find, but they’re only warm and gentle. It’s almost worse.
“Thank you, that’d be great.”
He disappears around the corner, leaving me staring down at a coffee ring on the table.
When a mug is placed before me with two marshmallows floating in the steaming liquid, I nearly start crying again. Then Misha steps up onto the couch, settling down behind me, a leg on either side, his hands lightly coming around to rest against my chest. “This okay?” he asks softly, and I know that if I wanted him to, he would pull away without pause.
I grab the mug and lean back into the warmth of his chest. He props his chin up on my shoulder and whispers, “You wanna talk about it?’
I shake my head, but turn towards him, resting my cheek against his for a few seconds. Then I gulp at the hot chocolate.
“Candy,” I get out with a soft gasp. “Tomorrow we gotta get candy!”
He smothers his laugh against my neck, but doesn’t object.
“Bed?” he asks quietly a few moments later. “You can take mine if you’d like a bigger one than last night; I’ll sleep in the guestroom.”
As he gets up, my back is bombarded with a rush of cold air in his wake, making me shiver at the loss. “You don’t have to.” I look up, meeting his questioning gaze. “I mean, it’s not like you have cooties or anything, right?”
He glances down at himself with smirk, “Nope, not that I know of.” Then his expression softens, “You sure you don’t mind? It’s kind of…”
“I don’t mind.”
A grin breaks out on his lips, and he hops down off the couch, reaching out a hand to hoist me up.
It’s should be awkward as I follow him to his bedroom, but I find I’m far too tired to care. Today has been an utter rollercoaster of emotions, and right now I just want to sleep it off. Maybe tomorrow it will all make sense.
I shoot a glance at Misha, the man who has suddenly shifted from ‘really good friend’ to ‘really good friend who has practically said he’s in love with me’. It’s a little disorienting.
Stripping down to my thin t-shirt and boxers, I crawl under the covers of his bed, inhaling his familiar scent and wondering whether this should be weirder than it is. But my thoughts are brushed away when he slides in beside me, warm arm brushing mine.
“I cuddle,” I warn him with a small smile.
He rolls onto his side, facing me with a grin, “Really? I never would have guessed.”
“Ass,” I pout in mock-offence, turning away from him.
“Don’t be like that,” he gets out, laughter evident in his voice. “I’ll cuddle with you, even though it’s such a hardship.” And then he’s slinging an arm around my waist, spooning me from behind. He’s warm and solid, his arm tightening its hold when I lean back, and he whispers softly, “My little spoon.”
“Mish!” I get out with a growl, squirming to get out of his ever-tightening hold. “You’re such a jerk.”
He nuzzles the back of my neck and murmurs, “Shhh, sleep now.”
With a sigh, I sag down against the mattress in defeat. His legs slide up, molding to fit behind mine, maintaining our line of contact.
The soft brush of lips against the nape of my neck is the last thing that follows me into unconsciousness.
♥
And there you stand opened heart--opened doors
full of life with the world that's wanting more.
But I can see when the lights start to fade,
the day is done and your smile has gone away.
Let me raise you up.
Let me be your love.
May I hold you
as you fall to sleep,
when the world is closing in
and you can't breathe.
May I love you.
May I be your shield.
When no one can be found
may I lay you down.
♥
As I gradually become more aware of my surroundings, the sensation of being watched prickles up my spine, curling at the base of my neck and raising my skin in goosebumps.
I nearly lunge for my gear, only to realize that it wouldn’t be there. A deep, slow breath of air – warm and soft – eases me into reality, and my eyes slide open, locking with Misha’s. He blushes at being caught, and immediately looks away.
“Sorry,” he mumbles.
I find I don’t mind, not even a little, and I shoot him a small smile, enjoying how his face lights up at the sight. “Perve,” I tease, laughing as his blush deepens. He rolls his eyes and jabs me in the stomach, making me yelp and retaliate with a kick.
“Oh, this is so on,” he grumbles, lunging at me and burying my face under a pillow, keeping me down. I twist my legs around, and flip us, straddling his legs and pinning his hands up above his head.
We’re breathing heavily, still laughing, still squirming, but the mood quickly changes when I realize I’m hovering bare inches above his lips and can feel his every puff of air against my cheeks.
His pupils dilate, his breath coming out faster than ever, and his eyes roam my face slowly.
How did I miss how beautiful he is? And his eyes… how did I not sink into them: sky blue, so clear? But it’s the warmth in them that hits me hardest, like a punch to the gut.
I lower further, brushing my nose against his, hearing his soft hitch of breath and smiling as his hands flutter up, lightly falling on my back. “You like watching me sleep?” I murmur softly into his ear.
“Jay… I…” he cuts off with a low moan when I begin pressing light kisses along the soft skin of his neck, and he twists his head to the side, giving me unhindered access.
One of his hands slides up to my hair, carding through gently, and I lean back into it, loving it. It’s always been a kink of mine – hands in my hair – and this is no exception.
Jensen always used t- I cut off my own thoughts with a sharp intake of breath, and I pull back abruptly, stumbling back on the bed.
“Jay?” he asks softly, sitting up, reaching out for me. “You okay?”
“Y– Yeah,” I get out shakily, running a hand roughly over my face. “Sorry, I just…” I glance up at him and feel my chest constrict at the guilt and worry shining in his eyes. “Hey…” I murmur softly, leaning forwards to press a soft kiss to his nose, “You did nothing wrong, Mish… I just…” Reaching out, I cradle his cheek in my palm, staring into his eyes, “I just want to be here, every piece of me.”
Realization dawns, and his face clears. He turns slightly, pressing a soft kiss to my palm. “Come on, I think we’d better feed your stomach before it starts growling.”
“It doesn’t do that anymore,” I get out with a huff of laughter.
“What? How come?”
Shrugging, I throw my legs over the edge of the bed and get up with a groan, “I guess it just had to get used to the rushed meals – few and far in between – and it forgot what it’s like to have a whole fridge at hand.”
Misha’s silent as he gets to his feet, and his voice is quiet when he murmurs, “I guess we’ll have to resuscitate it then.”
After being kicked out the kitchen, I wander outside, walking on grass that’s still dewy from the night.
The sun’s barely risen above the rooftops lining the horizon, and it’s painted the sky in shades of red and gold. I sink down heavily on Misha’s porch and wrap my arms around my knees, staring up at the sunrise. It looks different from here. It’s not looming over barren, forsaken landscape, revealing the blood spilled in the night; instead it’s just shyly casting light on the world, letting me know that it still exists.
It doesn’t feel real, me sitting here, cool grass between my toes, no weapon in sight. Vulnerable.
A shiver passes through me, and I drop my head down on my arms, hiding myself and not really knowing why or even who from.
I think my brain shuts down for those following moments, as I startle when a warm arms slide around me, pulling me back against a firm chest. “You’re freezing,” he whispers, rubbing his hands up and down my arms. “You okay?”
“I think I will be,” I murmur, turning my head to meet his warm eyes, catching the way his face lights up at my words. I brush my lips over his and can’t help smiling when his eyelashes flutter closed. “You’re such a girl,” I whisper, grinning at his affronted pout. I yelp slightly when he shoves me, pushing me down on my back and tickling me ruthlessly.
“Who’s a girl?” he threatens, his fingers raised.
“Not you,” I get out with a gasp. “Not you.”
“Good,” he breaks out into a huge grin, and all I can do is yank him down for a kiss. He hums happily as he slides one leg between mine, pressing closer, hands coming up to cradle my face.
I cross my arms behind his back, keeping him flush on top of me as we gently map out each other’s mouth.
“Fuck, Jay…” he breathes when we pull apart, his lips red and slick, his pupils blown and his cheeks flushed. I don’t know how I never saw him in this way before.
I flip us over and sink down, using him as mattress. “Don’t fall asleep,” he gets out with a soft chuckle, “Breakfast is ready.”
“Hmmm,” I mumble, pressing my nose against his pulse-point.
♥
♥
It feels like I’m walking underwater. Nothing feels real.
Jared is here. Home. Alive.
God, the happiness that filled me when I saw him… Like an ache had finally been eased. But now that ache has tripled, because he’s here, but I’m not. I can’t get his crushed look out of my mind, it’s haunting me. The sadness and pain and resignation.
I don’t know what to do. I have David, I love him, the kids love him, and he’s been here for us. But then there’s the immeasurable love I feel for Jared, how it felt to have him in my arms again.
I don’t know what I can do. This is Jared’s house: his name is on the lease with mine. The kids are his, the dogs are his. I don’t have any right to keep any of this away from him. But what am I supposed to do?
“Hey, man,” a voice jerks me out of my thoughts and I turn towards the young guy. “Are you Jensen?”
“Uh, yeah, I am. Why?”
The man breaks out into a wide grin, and reaches for my hand, shaking it excitedly. “I’ve heard so much about you, I feel like I know you.”
“Uh…”
He lets out a loud laugh, “Don’t worry, I’m not a crazy stalker or anything. Jared was my sergeant. How’s he doing? He was so excited to see you guys again, he couldn’t even sit still on the plane, and he had this photo that he brought out every five minutes or so, of the four of you making goofy faces at the camera. Your kids are what, seven and five, right?”
I ignore the sick feeling in my stomach, “Yeah…”
Another laugh, and a light slap on the shoulder, “Man, I love that guy: best serge in the platoon, saved my life more than once. Tell him Midrib says to let him know that if he ever plans to head back, I’ll be right behind him, someone has to watch his back.”
I try not to show how nauseous I’m feeling, instead I smile weakly, “Midrib?”
“Yeah,” he grins sheepishly, “My nickname. The tall moron started with Midget, but I punched him in the ribs… hence Midrib.”
“Ah…”
“Anyway, I’d better finish shopping, my mamma’s been on my case since I got back. Nice to meet you, man.”
“You too,” I murmur back softly, turning away
“Mish…” I raise myself up to meet his gaze. “Can we…” I let out a puff of air, “I want to see my kids… I know they don’t remember me, but I just… I want to see them again… See that they’re real.”
Misha reaches up to brush the hair from my eyes, and he nods, “Sam’s probably in school, but…” he checks his watch, “Schools have break in about half an hour, if you want to go now.”
“Now? Really?”
He grins fondly and rolls me off him.
I wander across the playground, barely even aware of Misha following closely behind. My eyes are darting over the children, searching.
Then I see him: my baby boy. He races out of the building, kicking his soccer ball ahead of him with a whoop.
A smile forms on my lips as a game quickly breaks out, and I sink down onto a nearby bench to watch. “That’s my boy…” I murmur softly.
I jump slightly as a warm hand covers mine, squeezing softly before releasing again.
Misha smiles at me, and nods his head towards Sam, “He looks just like you.”
I don’t think he does. He looks perfect.
The ball bounces near us, and I’m shaking slightly as I get up to kick it back to the kids.
“Misha? What are you doing here?” a young voice asks.
When I look up, Sammy’s making his way towards us. Then he stops, staring straight at me.
For a moment it’s as if the world has frozen, my heart pounding loudly in my ears.
Then Sam’s running, straight towards us, and I can’t breathe.
He leaps right into my arms, and whispers, “Daddy,” in my ear, his limbs wrapped tightly around me. Choking back sobs, I bury my face in his hair, inhaling his scent and clinging back as tightly as I can without hurting him.
“Sammy. Sam… God, Sammy…”
Please don’t let me be dreaming.
He’s crying, hot tears dampening my neck, and it’s all I can do not to start howling myself. “Shhhh,” I whisper softly, “I’m here, Sammy. Right here.”
“Why’d you leave? Where’d you go?” He gets out brokenly. “They don’t talk about you.”
“I’m sorry, so sorry, Sammy. I should never have gone. I should never have left you. I went to… you know that toy I gave you, the soldier?” My breath cuts off when I realize he probably threw that out ages ago.
“Yeah, the army dude,” he squirms around, shoving his hand deep into his pocket, pulling it out. “I keep him under my pillow when I sleep.”
I press my nose further into his hair, hiding my tears. “Yeah… like him, I went away to save people… to fight.”
“Did you win?” he asks softly, tucking his toy safely away, and I want to say no, I lost everything, but I don’t.
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Don’t leave… please, Daddy. Don’t leave again.”
I can’t believe I nearly did, that I nearly gave this up.
“I’m not leaving, Sammy. I promise.”
“Will you come show Jade you’re real? She doesn’t believe me.”
I let out a soft sob, “Yeah… yeah, I’ll come see her.”
“Hey, Sam?” a voice calls, and we both jump. I roughly scrub a hand down my damp face, and peer over Sam’s head at the kids gathered around. “You coming to play?”
Sam rubs his face against my shirt, which should be gross, but I can’t bring myself to care, not even in the slightest. Then he turns towards them, and I lower him to the ground. “Guys,” he says, his voice proud as he slides his hand in mine, “This here’s my daddy, I told you was taller ‘n the sky. And he’s an army dude, like John Wayne.”
Their eyes widen in awe, and I share a grin with Misha.
That’s when the bell rings and everyone lets out a groan and wanders off.
“Will you be at home?” Sammy asks, looking up at me hopefully.
With a sigh, I sink down on one knee, bringing myself down to his height. “Sammy, I can’t go home… Jensen wouldn’t want me to… but I will see you again, soon, you hear me?” He nods, disappointment shining in his eyes. “Hey,” I murmur, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder, “I love you.”
His face lights up, but he still wrinkles his nose in typical kid fashion when he mumbles back, “Love you too.”
After giving him one last hug, I nudge him towards the building, “You’d better get to class. I’ll see you soon.”
When he disappears, I turn to Misha with a massive grin splitting my face. “He remembers me!”
I throw my arms around him and squeeze him tightly, “He remembers me. He keeps the toy I gave him under his pillow. He tells Jade about me.” I burst out laughing, and two seconds later I’m crying, sobbing into Misha’s shoulder like a dam wall has finally been broken.
“I’m still his daddy,” I whisper.
“Hey, Dave,” I murmur softly as I enter the living room. The table is strewn with papers and account books, but that’s normal. He grunts out a greeting, still immersed in his work.
“Sam, you here?” I yell towards his bedroom, heading up when there’s an affirmative shout back. “Hey, kid,” I lean against the doorframe.
“Hey, Dad,” he grins up at me. He’s way too happy for a Thursday; I know he had his least favorite teacher today.
I eye him carefully, “You okay?”
“Yup,” he grins, just as brightly. Then I glance down at his hand, at his tightly clenched fist. He catches me eying it, and hides it behind his back.
“What do have there, Sam?”
“Nothing.”
“Sam, come on, let me see.”
“No!” he backs away from me. “I won’t let you have it.”
“I just want to see what it is, Sammy.”
He slowly pulls it out from behind him, showing the battered old toy to me. My breath gets stuck in my throat.
“I didn’t know you still had this.” I reach out for it, but he leaps back, clutching it protectively to his chest.
“Why won’t you let him come home?” Sam asks softly, his eyes downcast. “I want him to come home…”
“Sam, what are you talking about?” I get out, even though I already know.
“Daddy. I want him to come home. But he said you won’t want him to. Why don’t you want Daddy to come home? Are you mad that he left us? I was too. But he said he was fighting, like him,” he waves his toy in the air, “He was saving people. I’m not mad at him now. Maybe if you let him say sorry, you won’t be mad at him anymore and he can come home.”
I open my mouth a few times, trying to get what I need to say out, but the words fail me, and I spin around, anger replacing sadness as I storm out the room.
Snapping open my phone, I call Misha’s landline, and hiss, “Put Jared on now!”
When I hear his voice on the line, I start snarling, “How dare you? What the fuck gives you the right?”
“Jensen?”
“How dare you try and turn my own kids against me! You fucking bastard! Making me into the bad guy, when you’re the one who left! Just stay the fuck away from us all!”
“Oh, that’s rich,” Jared’s icy tone mutters. “Do you have any idea what it’s like thinking your kids don’t know you exist, Jensen? Do you know what that feels like? To come home, looking forward to seeing the people you love above anything else, and to find that they’ve moved on; they never waited, they just found someone to replace you, do you know what that feels like? And now, what? You want me to forget about them? Forget about my own kids? Fuck you, Jensen. I’m just as much their father as you are. And about turning them against you? Well, if you knew me at all you would know that I would never do that to you. Goodbye, I hope you sleep well beside your accountant.”
And then the line goes dead. I sink down to the ground and bite back the tears. Jared’s never spoken to me like that before. I don’t think I’ve ever even heard that cold tone leave his lips before. I wrap my arms around my aching stomach, and try to tell myself that I don’t care.
I wander into the living room, and make my way over to Dave, pressing my lips to the nape of his neck. He lets out a soft chuckle, but murmurs, “Just a minute, Jensen; I have to get this done.”
I head straight into the bathroom and let the tears come.
“Fuck!”
I sag down on the floor, head slumped between my shoulders. How could Jensen think that of me? That I would poison the kids’ minds against him? Especially when he’s the one who took everything away from me.
He’s the only one who’s ever had that much control over me: power to rip everything from me. And he did.
“Misha,” I call softly, and a second later he’s there, warm hands massaging my shoulders.
“You okay?”
After a long pause, I let out a sigh and shake my head, “Not by a long shot.”
“How can I help?”
I lean my head back against his thigh. “You already are… just… just stay…”
Sinking down onto the carpet behind me, he pulls my back against his chest. “I can do that.”
“I need a lawyer… I can’t… I won’t give up my kids. I want to know them; I want them to know me. I want to watch them grow up.”
“I’ll call up mine, he’s really good.”
“Thank you.”
“’s no big deal.”
I feel the roll of the shrug off his shoulders and I shake my head. “No, Mish… it’s a really big deal. Fuck, man, if it weren’t for you, I would already be back there, and this time there wouldn’t have been anything to survive for. I’d probably have charged straight into enemy guns. I wouldn’t have known that there was a chance with Sam and Jade. I wouldn’t have… fuck… just… yeah, thank you.”
There’s a soft brush of lips over the nape of my neck, making me shiver, and his grip tightens around my waist, keeping me securely encased in his arms.
“I love you,” he whispers softly, words slightly muffled by my neck. He must feel me tense up, because he gives me a soothing squeeze, “I know you don’t feel the same way, but I just want you to know it, because it’s true.”
“Misha, I…” my fingers slide down to thread with his, clutching them tightly. “I know I can love you. I already… Fuck, dude, you’ve been one of my best friends for ages, I couldn’t not love you. This is just… this is just a different kind of love… I mean…”
“Jay,” he cuts off my babbling, his hand sliding around to turn my head towards him. His eyes rake warmly over my features and he whispers, “Jay, you’ve already given me more than I ever thought possible.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I mumble softly, turning in his arms and burying my face in the dip of his shoulder. “You should be with someone so much better than me.”
“Too bad I’ve got my sight set on the most gorgeous man on earth.”
“Sweet talker.”
“Is it working?”
Huffing out a soft laugh, I raise my head up to capture his lips with mine, sliding my hand up to angle his head, deepening the kiss. I grin as a low moan breaks free from him, and my arms slide around his neck, dragging him closer. My skin breaks out into goosebumps when his fingers creep up beneath my shirt, sliding smoothly up and down my sides.
His hands slip down beneath the waistband of my sweatpants, squeezing my ass and stealing an embarrassing yelp from my lips. I bite at his lips to wipe away the evil grin, and he lets out a groan in return.
“Jay…” he gasps softly, “You’d better stop, man… Else I won’t be able to.”
“Yeah? What would you do to me?”
“Uhnnnn, fuck…” he stills my movements and lies down, keeping me flush on his chest. With his lips brushing over my earlobe, he whispers, “I’d drag you to my bedroom, strip all your clothes off, stretch you out on the bed. Touch and taste you everywhere. Find all the spots that make you cry out so sweetly, and tease you until you just can’t take it anymore.”
“And then?” I get out through labored breaths of air.
His nose nudges against the side of my face, and he grins against my skin. “Then I’d slick you up and slide in so deep you’ll never want another.”
“Fuck, Mish…” I moan, grinding my erection down on his. “I’d want that. Want it so bad… God, so fucking hot, wanna feel you in me.”
His hands slide back to cup my ass, pressing me impossibly closer to him, our bodies rocking together.
“Fuck…” My head drops down to his neck, and I suck at the vulnerable skin, scraping my teeth lightly over his pulse point as he bares his neck, giving me free access.
I shift so I’m straddling him, and we both let out low moans at the new position. He thrusts up, sliding between my ass cheeks, only the thin material of our sweatpants separating us. Shuddering, I rock back, rubbing over him and making him cry out at the friction.
His hands slide into my pants, fingers running down my crack, teasing at my entrance, and I can’t take it anymore. “Fuck, Mish,” I pant into his neck, thrusts hard and erratic against him. A few seconds later I come with a soft sob, his arms tightly wrapped around me.
“It’s okay, baby,” he murmurs, running his fingers through my hair, “’s okay. I got ya.”
When my motor functions slowly return to me, I realize that he hasn’t come yet. I slide my hand down his toned body, teasing at his nipples and grinning at his inability to stifle his moans. As my fingers reach the waistband of his pants, his hand covers mine, squeezing softly, “You don’t have to do that, Jay…”
I raise my head up to meet his gaze, “I know. I want to.” And then my fingers are curling around his hot, hard length. As I begin to move my hand up and down, his breath cuts off, and a soft keen escapes him, his body arching up into my touch.
I lean up to kiss him softly, nudging my tongue past his lips and sinking into his warm heat. His thrusts become harder and faster, and I tighten my grip, brushing my thumb over the tip of his dick. That’s all it takes to push him over the edge, and he comes with a groan, fingers digging into my shoulders.
Utterly exhausted, I sag down beside him, looping an arm around his heaving chest, and resting my head in the dip of his neck.
He presses his lips to my forehead in a lingering kiss and breathes out softly, “Fuck…”
I smile sleepily, and tuck my nose under his chin with a hum.
“Jay?” he murmurs, fingers resting just under my collar, warming the back of my neck.
“Shhh, sleep,” I mumble, burrowing closer.
“Let’s get cleaned up and move to bed, okay?”
“Mmmmdddnnwanuu,” I grumble.
“Jay…” he laughs, nudging my shoulder, “come on, my ass is sore.”
I raise my head with a grin, waggling my eyebrows, “Is it?”
He rolls his eyes and flips us over.
The heat. Searing pain. The hot stickiness of blood coating my face, my side.
Cries fill the air. Too many people. Too many pleading faces.
“Jackson! Fuck, where are you, man?”
I grab the sobbing girl, gently fitting her tiny body over my shoulder. I hoist the mother’s body into my arms and turn to the boy, “Ta'alo ma'ai, aiwa?”
He nods, obediently clutching at my sleeve, and I begin to head for the exit, ignoring the pain spiking from my wounded side. We’re nearly there, nearly out of the flaming hell, when a man leaps into the doorway, a large semi-automatic swinging at his side.
“Abi!” the kid beside me shouts. Father.
The man shouts something in Arabic, far too quickly for me to understand with my limited vocabulary, and he raises his gun threateningly.
I don’t think he’ll shoot, not with his entire family in my arms, but I’m not absolutely certain.
Doesn’t he get that I’m just trying to help them?”
Behind him I notice a figure – Jackson – with his gun raised. “No!” I yell, but it’s too late. Jackson fires, his bullets tearing into the man in the doorway. I’m not sure whether it’s the pain or reflex or shock that causes the man’s fingers to tighten on his trigger, but it has the same effect, and a round of shots goes off.
Then there’s numb silence, the man in the doorway sinking to his knees and toppling over. That’s when the excruciating pain hits me.
My shoulder.
I let out a cry when I realize.
The little girl.
Jade’s age.
Her brother’s crying, kneeling at their father’s side. Their mother’s limp in my arms.
I was just trying to get them out safely.
What have we done?
“Jay, can I ask you something?” Misha murmurs after I’ve settled back down, nose tucked under his chin.
“Mmmhmm.”
“Why did you go?”
“Why did I enlist?”
“Yeah.”
“Well…” I let out a soft breath of air, sliding my hand up to rest it over his thumping heart. “You know Jeff took me in, right?”
He nods.
“He cared for me, did more than a big brother should have to do, but he never complained. He was the only family I had left, the one I could talk to about everything…. He never cared that I like guys: he said that left more girls for him. He was just… the best brother anyone could ask for. Anyway… he was always patriotic. He enlisted, wanted to defend the country he loved.”
“That was seven years ago, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah… He always told me – we thought it was a joke at the time – that if he died over there, he wanted to stay there to save me transportation costs.
“So…” a watery smile forms on my lips, “So when he did die, they cremated him, tossed his ashes to the wind. I was never brave enough to sign up, not until three years ago. I joined because it made me feel closer to him… Stupid, huh?”
A soft kiss brushes over my nose, “Nah… He’d be proud of you, Jay.”
“You really think so?”
“Dude, I know so.”
“You just want in my pants, don’t you?”
Misha flips us over, his eyes serious. “That’s not all I want.”
I smile softly up at him, “I know… I wouldn’t be here if that was all you were after.”
“Okay, you need to divorce him.” The lawyer rifles in his desk, pulling out a huge stack of paper. “Go through this, sign it, and you must get Mr Ackles to sign. And you will need to speak to him about having joint custody.”
I nod slowly, already dreading the confrontation.
“If he opposes this, we can take him to court and you can claim full custody, as I see here that they are your biological children?”
“That never mattered to us, we both donated sperm to the surrogate, mine just happened to be taken. He’s their father too: I would never take them away from him.”
“Alright, then,” the man says, filling out some things. “As soon as you get these all signed, get them back to me and I’ll write up an Affidavit. I’m sure you want this to go as quickly and as smoothly as possible.”
The doorbell rings just as I’m about to make lunch, and the dogs go running out to see who it is. But instead of the loud barking I’m expecting, excited whines fill the air, and I hurry towards the door.
And obviously it’s him, laughing as he rolls in the grass, the dogs’ tongues giving him a thorough shower, and their paws pressing him down. The ache increases to a sharp pain, just below my ribs, and I whistle for them.
Only they don’t come racing like they usually do. They ignore me, completely focused on Jared.
“Are you going to do that all day?” I snap at him, not really sure why my voice is so cruel.
Jared jerks, the laughter and happiness sliding from his features. He slowly straightens up, picking up a bundle of papers from the ground beside him, and makes his way towards the front door.
“Can I come in?”
“I’d rather you didn’t.”
Another flash of sadness passes across his features, but he looks away and clears his throat. “I… here are some papers… I need you to sign them… Divorce papers.”
Something lodges in my throat, but I refuse to acknowledge it. “So… what? You’re going to try and take the house from us?”
“You can have the house, Jensen. But I won’t let you keep my kids from me. I want joint custody. I’d like the kids to spend holidays and every second weekend with me. I don’t want to take them away from you, but… I want to be in their lives.” Harley lets out a soft whine, nudging his head against Jared’s thigh, and the man immediately soothes him with a scratch. “I’d like to see the dogs sometimes, too. And… uh… all my stuff… did you… is it gone?”
“No…” I pull out my bunch of keys, fishing out a tiny one and untangling it from the rest. “It’s in storage down on Westerburn Street, garage 187.”
“Thank you for not just tossing everything away,” he murmurs softly, taking the key. He looks up at me with a sigh, “I don’t want to fight you, Jen. I just… please sign the papers, and think about the joint custody. They are my kids too, and I will fight for them if you make me.” He bends down to place the stack on the top stair, then he turns around and heads back to the gate, the dogs trailing behind.
He kneels down beside them, an arm around each hound, and buries his face in their fur for a few seconds. Then he straightens up and walks away, but not before I get a glimpse of the moisture in his eyes. I rub at the spiking pain in my chest, and wonder whether I should go and see a doctor about it. But when Jared’s eyes swim into view, shining with sadness, and the pain rockets, I realize the doctor wouldn’t be able to prescribe anything anyway.
David is a good man, I’m lucky to have him. Or at least that’s what I tell myself repeatedly.
The garage smells musty, like no one has been here for years, and that’s probably exactly true. There are boxes everywhere, piled up randomly. This is my whole life, and I don’t even know where to start.
Misha’s hand squeezes my shoulder warmly, and he heads over to the wall, hitting a switch and light flickers from above. “Let’s get started, shall we?”
“I don’t even know what we’re doing here. It’s not like I have anywhere to put all this, anyway.”
Misha pulls an exaggerated face of shock, “You mean I cleared out my closet for your freakishly pink shirts for nothing?”
A warmth like none other seeps into me and I duck my head, unable to find words to say how grateful I am.
Misha’s the only thing keeping me from sinking into a deep, dark pit of depression.
“Hey, look what I found,” he calls from the side, holding up a black Stetson. “You remember when I got you this?”
I finger the worn rim, remembering how inseparable I was from it. “Yeah… damn… dude, fuck, that was an awesome trip.”
“We should do it again, soon.”
“Yeah, and we should take Sammy, he’ll love it.”
“The schools break in a couple of months, maybe if the custody thing goes through, you’ll be able to take the kids down.”
“You think I’d be able to?” I look up, knowing that the hope must be shining clear as day in my eyes.
“Yeah, man. What kid doesn’t want to see the Grand Canyon? And who better to take them than their daddy?”
“Would you be able to get time off?”
“Are you sure you’d want me there? I mean, it’s kind of father-kid time, letting you get to know Jade and Sam.”
“Dude, of course I want you there, I need you to keep me sane, man.”
His whole face lights up, eyes dancing happily, “Then, I’d definitely be able to get time off.”
I grin for a whole three minutes before I deflate, “Fuck, I probably won’t even have custody; I don’t know what Jensen is going to do… We might have to go to court and that will be long and messy.”
“You never know.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I mumble, turning back to box number three: all my old shoes.
At the back of the garage, hidden away, I find a box full of photographs. At first its great, photos of old friends, the dogs, me pulling funny expressions. Then I pull out one of the wedding and everything around me seems to disappear. I can’t drag my eyes away from our laughing faces.
That had been the happiest day of my life. Jensen looked so beautiful, his green eyes shining, his hand firmly gripping mine as he tugged me to the altar. How he dipped me back when we were told to kiss, how I retaliated by wife-carrying him into the ocean, dumping him in the water, how we had splashed around like little kids, neither caring about our tuxedos, neither caring about anything but each other’s happiness. He had pulled me close, strong arms circling me, our chests pressed tightly together, and he’d kissed me, so softly and sweetly I thought that I could die then and never regret a moment of my life. Afterwards, he had chased me to the limo, hands sneaking out to squeeze at my ass, leaving no doubt as to what he was about to do.
I thought that would be mine forever.
A large droplet of moisture lands on the photograph, shattering the memory, and I blink a few times, realizing my cheeks are damp with moisture. Feeling stupid, I stuff the photograph back into the box and kick it behind a large stack. After scrubbing my face dry, I wander out, trying to look as nonchalant as possible.
Misha obviously sees straight through it, and he gets up from the box of books and tugs me into his arms, holding me until my body stops shaking.
“Let’s call it quits for today, yeah? I’m starving.”
I get out of my car with a sigh, the papers tucked under my arm. I didn’t want to sign them, but there wasn’t any reason for me not to. And Jared is right; he does deserve to see the kids.
Rounding the corner, I stop dead, something clenching painfully in my chest. There, on the lawn, are the two men: Jared lying in Misha’s arms, the older man cradling Jared’s face in his hands, their legs entangled, lips brushing lightly.
Jared’s soft laughter rings out and he murmurs something to Misha, too quietly for me to make out. Misha’s hand slides up, brushing the hair from Jared’s eyes and drawing him in, deepening the kiss.
I tell myself that I don’t care, and I force myself to keep moving. I reach the doorbell at the gate and ignore how my hand shakes so much I nearly can’t press it.
They’re still grinning as they round the house, but their grins disappear when they realize it’s me. Misha’s jaw tightens as he comes up to stand behind Jared, but he sounds completely polite when he greets me. “Hey, Jensen.”
“Hey…” I try not to notice how Jared leans back against the man’s chest, keeping contact with him. “I ummm, I signed these…” I hold up the stack of papers.
A smile forms on Jared’s lips, and he shoots a grin over his shoulder at Misha, who grins fondly back. I swallow the lump in my throat and hand it over.
“I’m sorry about before. I was kind of an ass. I was just… I don’t know… scared? I just wasn’t thinking clearly, I guess.”
Jared nods, “It’s okay. I get it.”
“So… we okay?”
Something shutters closed in his eyes, but he just shrugs, “Guess so.”
“And I spoke to David about the custody; he agrees that you deserve to be in the kids’ lives. You can pick them up on Friday afternoon from the house, but have them back by eight on Sunday at the latest. Make sure they do their homework.”
Jared’s face lights up, so much like Sammy on Christmas, and he positively bounces. “Okay… okay… thank you…” Then he lunges at me, arms squeezing me tightly for a brief second before he pulling away again. “Thank you!” Then he heads towards Misha, grinning like a madman.
Misha laughs fondly, a hand reaching up to ruffle Jared’s hair, “Calm down, Tigger.”
“But Meeeeesh…” he whines, still looking deliriously happy around his pout.
I clear my throat, “Well… I’ll uh… I’ll leave you two to it.”
As I walk away, my legs are shaking like jelly, the scent of Jared’s shampoo still in my nose, and my chest still warm where he was pressed.
David is a good man. I love him, I really do.
Misha’s in bed by the time I come out of the shower, and I divebomb him, making him groan and try to roll me off him. “They’re coming this weekend!” I bounce up and down, ignoring his sounds of pain. “My kids, Mish. My angels. They’ll be here and…” my smile falls away. “What if they hate me, Mish? What if they want to go back to Jensen and they never want to see me again? What if I’ve forgotten how to be a father? What if-”
His lips cut me off, and he gently peppers kisses over my panicked face. “They’ll love you, Jay. Sammy always has and Jade will too, as soon as she gets to know you.” He pulls me down beside him and presses a final kiss to my brow. “It’ll be amazing, you’ll see.”
I stare at him for a few seconds, at the trust and honesty and love shining in his eyes, and I find myself at a loss for words, all my initial fear gone.
“How are you this awesome?”
He lets out a heavy sigh, “It’s scary, I know. You’ll get used to it.”
I want to tell him that he’s all that’s holding me together, that I need him and that I love him – because I really think I do – but I can’t. Instead I brush a kiss over his nose and murmur, “Night, Mish…”
He lets out another sigh – a contented one – and whispers back, “Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”
With a soft laugh, I reply, “I won’t… wait, unless you count as one, you can bite me anytime you want.”
“Did you just call me a bug?”
“Maaayyybeee.”
He nips at my ear, making me squeak. With a few more grumbles, he slides his arm around my shoulders dragging me closer, burying his face in my hair.
I feel my lids getting heavier with every passing second, so, tucking my nose under his chin in my usual nightly position, I begin sinking into the pulls of sleep.
Just as I’m about to drift off, I hear his soft murmur of, “Love you…” and a warm, cuddly feeling chases me into unconsciousness.
Misha’s so beautiful, his face open and vulnerable, lips parted slightly, letting out an occasional sigh.
I can’t stop myself from reaching out, running my fingers over his warm skin, tracing over the line of his jaw and down his neck.
Curling closer, I nudge my nose under his chin, and he presses his lips to my forehead automatically. I know he’s still asleep, his breathing still deep and even, so I can’t help grinning when he murmurs, “Jay…” and his arms tighten around me.
I feel safe here, enclosed in his arms, one of his legs slung over mine, and his chest pressed firmly against mine.
Misha’s so gentle and sweet, always doing tiny things for me, making it less of a struggle to get through each day. I know it can’t be easy for him, this whole situation.
He’s never asked for anything in return, he’s just always there when I need him, a strong shoulder, warm arms, solid chest. I wouldn’t have made it through this without him.
I need him.
I love him.
The revelation shouldn’t come as a shock, but it does, and my arms reflexively tighten around him.
He wakes with a soft groan, his hand sliding up to cup the side of my face, “Jay, you okay? Another nightmare?”
Shaking my head, I raise myself up, peering down at his sleepy eyes.
“I love you,” I blurt out.
His eyes widen, and he rolls us over, straddling my legs, “Say that again.”
“I love you,” softer now, said with a smile tugging at my lips. “I love you.”
“Fuck, Jay…” he breathes, his fingers gently tracing over my lips.
Unable to stop the blush from spreading across my cheeks, I duck my head, hiding my nose against his neck.
He just peppers kisses down the side of my face, soft, lingering kisses. “Mine,” he murmurs, voice thick with emotion, and I turn into the kiss, catching his lips and breathing, “Yours.”
He kisses me gently, thoroughly, as though I’m something precious, deserving to be worshipped. My eyes flutter closed as I sink into it, letting him control the pace.
“You’re gorgeous, Jay… So damn beautiful,” he gets out hoarsely, and I desperately try to fight the flush that burns across my cheeks.
My legs slide around him, my ankles hooking together behind his ass, keeping him pressed as closely as possible. I can feel his arousal, hot and hard through the thin material of our boxers, and heat flares inside of me as I growl, “Want you inside of me.”
His breath cuts off in a surprised gasp, and he traps my face between his palms, “You sure, babe?”
Arching up against him, thrusting my dick against his hip, I get out, “Feel like I’m joking?”
“God, Jay…” he groans, his lips sealing against mine. “So fucking hot.”
I huff out a laugh, “Look who’s talking.” My fingers run down his spine, slipping beneath his shirt and running over warm, smooth skin, making Misha shudder and hiss, “Your hands are cold, you bastard.”
“Oh? So you don’t want me doing this…?” I grin evilly as I sneak my hand into his pants, curling my fingers around his dick.
“Uhhhnnn, God,” he keens. “Fuck, Jay, you’re evil.”
I tug my hand out of his pants and grin up at him. “You love me.”
“Yeah,” he laughs, resting his forehead against mine, “I really do.” Then he reaches down, fingers gripping at the hem of my t-shirt, “Off.”
He pulls back enough to give me room, tugging his own tee up and over his head. Then his breath catches and his eyes widen, “Fuck, Jay… what the hell happened there?”
His fingers reach out to trace the scar, but I shift away, not meeting his gaze. “Got shot.”
“And you never thought to mention it?”
“Well, gee, I’m sorry. Maybe I should have just shoved it into the conversations after ‘the weather’s nice today, isn’t it’.”
“Jay, don’t do this.”
“Don’t do what? Ruin our little romp?”
He pulls off me, his eyes downcast, and I know I’ve hurt him. The defensiveness seeps out of me, leaving me drained. “Mish… I’m sorry…” I sit up, reaching out to pull him into a tight hug. “I didn’t mean it like that…. It’s just, when I’m with you, you make it… all go away. And I really didn’t feel like being reminded of… that… when we’re about to do something awesome… I didn’t mean to be a jerk.”
Sagging into me, he slides his arms tightly around me, “I know.”
“A little girl.”
“What?” he tries to pull back so he can see my face, but I don’t let him, hiding my nose in the dip of his shoulder.
“We were on recon duty, scouting out the areas. My team was laughing, chilled back, we’d had a quiet week and figured that day would be the same. Greg… fuck…” I choke up slightly, but force myself to continue, “Greg was busy telling us a joke… something about a leprechaun and a dingo… when we went over an IED. Then there was shooting, everybody yelling things. It was an ambush. People were throwing firebombs at us, we couldn’t stay in the Humvee. I ordered the men to get behind the bridge, figured we could use it as cover… They were waiting.”
“Get to the houses! Get out of the open, move!”
We scatter, everybody diving for cover. I roll the last few feet as a round of shots go off above me. Declan looks at me, his eyes panicked, “Serge, what do we do? They knew we were coming.”
I nod behind him, “We check out what we have. We’re in their homes, DC, they’re not going to blow this all up. We’ll find the others and regroup.” I clap my hand down on his shoulder and pull him to his feet, “Come on.”
Following the sounds of gunfire, I run as quickly as I can, rounding a corner just in time to stop a man from gunning down Midrib. I look away as the man keels over, the taste of death bitter and cold. “You okay?” Midrib nods, wiping a hand over his sweaty face and I pull him up. “Come on, let’s find the other two.”
Crouching low as shots scatter the room, I fire low, getting the men’s legs and bringing them down. I nearly leave them like that, but they raise their weapons stubbornly and I’m forced to let loose another round.
“Serge, over there!”
Peering through the dusty window, I catch sight of Greg, taking cover behind an old rusted heap of metal. The dust of shots beating the ground is all around him, and I know he’ll be dead in seconds. Barely twenty feet away from him, are two men preparing to toss another bomb.
“Cover me.” Breaking down the door, I storm out of the house, firing rounds of shots at them. “Greg, run!”
He tries, but I can see he’s injured. Hooking an arm beneath his shoulders, I drag him to the side, hearing the hum of more rounds going off.
“Serge, they got…” he heaves, “They got shrapnel…”
“Shit. Come on, we have to get to the houses.”
A flaming bottle lands a few feet beside us, making us stumble to the side, avoiding the lapping flames.
“Get in there!” I push him towards the nearest doorway and turn back to let off another round.
Two kids, barely fourteen, come running out, they see me and begin yelling. Behind them I see Jackson, and I immediately begin racing towards him. But before I get to him, a loud explosion goes off, blinding me. For a second there’s silence. Then the screaming begins and I turn to see the two kids on the ground, their faces torn, blood trickling from their lips.
Jackson appears beside me, his face twisted with worry, “Serge, you okay? You got hit.”
I reach up numbly, wiping the blood out of my eyes, and I brush his hand away from my bleeding side, “I’m fine, we have to go.”
“The whole bloody place is on fire.”
And he’s telling the truth. All around us, flames are lapping at walls. From inside the buildings there’s screaming. “Jackson, we have to get them out.”
“But… serge…”
“Help me get the people out. That’s an order.”
“Yes, sir.”
“After that it was just heat and pain and screams. I lost sight of Jackson, I heard Greg crying out, so I ran in his direction, into another burning house. I eventually found him, but… it was too late. The rest of the team was outside, most of them sporting injuries, but nothing serious. I went looking for Jackson, and found another family which needed me. The mother was unconscious – smoke inhalation. I picked her up, told the boy to follow me, and carried the little girl over my shoulder.
“A man came out of nowhere with his weapon aimed at me, he was the father. Jackson saw him, thinking I was in danger, he fired. The man’s finger was on the trigger, and he shot at us. The bullet… the bullet went straight through the little girl’s body and into my shoulder...” I lie there in frozen silence, feeling the ache of pain where the bullet ripped through me.
Misha slowly releases his deathly tight grip, and pulls back far enough to take my face in his palms. It’s only when he begins kissing away the moisture that I realize I’ve been crying.
“I love you, Jay.”
And it seems that’s all it takes to send me over the edge. Harsh sobs crawl from my throat, ripping out of me painfully. Misha just curls around me, his body cocooning mine, his grip impossibly tight.
“Should’ve done more, should’ve been… shouldn’t have…”
“Shhh, none of it was your fault. You did everything you could. I know you, Jay. I know you.”
He silences my babbling with his lips, taking mine into a soft, sweet kiss, almost chaste. His hands gently card through my hair, brushing it from my eyes, “I love you.”
“She was so young, Mish… She was so small…”
“You did everything you could. You tried to save her. You did nothing wrong.”
“Mish… I just…”
“Shhh, I love you. Not gonna let you go. I got ya.”
Sagging limply against him, I press a soft kiss to his neck. “Love you too. So much.”
We lie there in silence for a while, both of us buried in our thoughts, before he finally nudges me. “Why don’t you go relax in the bath while I get breakfast going?”
I catch his hand before he slips away, “I’ve got a better idea: why don’t we go have a bath, and I’ll take you to Ihop for breakfast later?”
“Oooh, a date, Mr Padalecki?”
“Do me the honor, Ms Collins?”
He punches me in the arm, and I kiss him as payback, wondering how it’s possible for him to make me feel like this. I’ve just bared my soul, sobbed on his shoulder, told him what’s been haunting me, and yet he doesn’t make me feel pathetic or whiney, like I usually do. He’s just… I seal my lips over his again, closing my eyes and trying to convey everything that I’m feeling to him.
His hands slide up, resting gently at my hips, and when I eventually pull back, he smiles softly at me, his eyes glowing warmly. “I do believe you invited me into your bath.”
“Indeed I did.” I pinch his ass, grin at him and race for the bathroom, him hot at my heels.
About ten minutes later, I’m lounging back against his chest, head on his shoulder, his arms looped around my waist, and his legs bracketing mine. I’ve never been more comfortable. He’s scooping water up with his hands, pouring it over my chest with teasing trails.
His sensuous stroking obviously produces results, and I feel him smirk against my neck as my dick gives a little jerk each time his fingers trail low on my hips. To make it worse – or better – he begins pressing openmouthed kisses down the vulnerable skin of my throat, sucking possessive hickeys that I know won’t go away for days. My dick clearly has no problem with me being owned, and when his hand ‘accidentally’ brushes over it, I let out a soft keen, turning my head to hide my face against his neck.
But from the feel of it, he’s not unaffected either, and I get my revenge by rubbing my ass back against him, making him groan and bite down on my shoulder.
Turning in his arms, utterly grateful that his bath is of the massive kind, I rest my arms around his neck, pressing my lips desperately against his, nipping at his bottom lip and plunging my tongue into his warmth.
“Never leave me,” I breathe softly against his cheek, closing my eyes even as the words escape my lips, feeling like a pathetic weakling, but fearing the pain of being left behind for a second time.
But he just wraps his arms firmly around my waist, drawing my flush against him. “You’re mine, Jay. You hear me? Mine. I’ll never hurt you like that, never. I love you so goddamn much.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I mumble, not caring that I’ve said it before.
Firm hands begin sliding up and down my back, digging into my muscles and easing out the knots. “You do, Jay. You really do.”
“Even though I’m such a girl?” I get out self-depreciatively.
He only hugs tighter. “There’s no shame in being human. And it’s no hardship being here for you.”
I laugh softly against his skin, “So we’ll be girls together?”
“Yeah, Jay… you and me, we’ll go buy dresses this afternoon, yeah?”
Flicking his side, I burst out laughing.
♥
♥
We pull up to the house, Misha trying to soothe me, and me unable to control the nervous bounce of my knee. I catch sight of Sammy’s face peeking out his window, waving excitedly, and some of my terror dissipates.
I slide out of the car just as Sammy’s throwing open the door, and seconds later I’m spinning the kid around. “Hey, Sammy.”
He grins toothily up at me, his dimples dancing adorably, and I melt, turning into mush.
“You ready?”
“Yup, an’ I got my soccer ball too! Will you play with me?”
“Course I will, Sammy. I’ve been looking forward to it for ages. You gonna show me how good you are?”
“Yup,” he states happily, bouncing in my arms.
“Is Jade ready too?”
“Yeah, she’s being a baby, though.”
“About what?”
“She’s scared to come, isn’t she silly?”
Before I can answer, the front door is opening again, and Jensen steps out, Jade balanced at his hip, two small backpack swinging in his free hand.
I send him a tentative smile, which brightens when he returns it, and I set Sam down on the ground to go fetch his stuff.
“Hey, Jade…” I murmur softly.
She flushes bright pink and ducks her head, hiding behind her chestnut curls. “Hi…” she whispers shyly, and my smile widens.
“See,” Sammy blurts out, “I told you he was real.”
She sneaks a look up at me, her eyes wide, then she whispers, “Sammy said you like superman… said you made him fly… can you make me fly?”
It takes me a few seconds before I realize what she’s talking about, but I when I do, I break out into a wide grin, “Sure I can, angel. You want to fly now?”
“Uh huh,” she nods.
“Jared… is that a good idea?” Jensen asks, a frown creasing his forehead.
“Dad, it’s fine,” Sammy jumps in. “It’s sooooo fun. But I’m prob’ly too big now.”
“Nah, I could still make you fly, Sammy,” I send him a smile and reach a hand out for Jade. “Hey, angel. Come on, I’ll help you fly.”
She ducks her head as she reaches for my hand, and Jensen reluctantly hands her over.
This is my baby girl.
I know I probably look insane, with a massive grin on my lips, but I can’t bring myself to care, not when her dimples are shyly peeking out. Firmly fitting my hands around her waist, I murmur, “You ready?”
She pauses for a moment, shooting a glance at her brother, but then she nods. I hoist her up above my head, as high as I can, and begin to spin us around. It takes her a few seconds before she’s brave enough to stretch her arms out, but when she does she lets out a giggle, “I’m flying! I’m flying!”
After running up and down and around several times, I slow to a halt and slide her back down against my chest, smiling down at her. Her cheeks are flushed with excitement, her hazel eyes alight with life.
“Okay, we ready to go?” I ask her and Sammy.
Sam shoulders his and his sister’s backpack, his soccer ball cradled under his arm as he nods.
Jensen shifts around, looking uncomfortable, but then Jade throws her arms around my neck, wiggling around to get comfortable before settling down with a sigh, and I send him a smile, “I’ll have them back by eight on Sunday.”
He nods and wanders over to Sam, pressing a kiss to his forehead, and then coming over and doing the same to Jade. “Look after them.”
“You know I will.”
Jensen nods, letting out a sigh. Then he turns to Misha, who has been watching everything with a fond smile on his lips. “Look after him.”
Misha nods and smiles, “You know I will.”
“Hey!” I get out with a whine, but Jade giggles, her tiny lips tickling my neck, and I forget what I was complaining about, too focused on the tiny angel in my arms.
We head towards the car, everyone else bundling in, while I pack the cartoon backpacks safely in the trunk. Just as I’m about to get in, Jensen calls softly, “Jay…”
I look over the roof at him, “Yeah?”
“I’m sorry… I haven’t said this before, but I am. I should have been waiting for you… I was just… I didn’t want to be alone…. I wish I could go back…”
The fist clenches around my heart once more, but I glance into the car, at Misha – who is busy tickling Sam – and the hand unclenches.
I turn back to Jensen with a smile. “Don’t be… Sure, this isn’t the future I pictured, but I’m…” a grin breaks out on my lips, “I’m happy.”
Epilogue...
“You think I should?” I ask Sammy, rubbing my hands nervously on my jeans.
He rolls his eyes, and grins, his dimples popping out. Then he runs ahead, catching up with Misha and Jade.
“What kind of answer is that?” I yell after him, feeling slightly shaky.
I stumble over thin air. Okay, maybe I feel more than slightly shaky.
My eyes fall on the trio and something in my chest melts, going soft and gooey. Misha’s busy tickling Jade, his lips pulled into the softest smile imaginable, and he says something to Sammy, making the kid laugh out happily.
Suddenly sure of what I’m going to do, I race up to them, looping my arms around Misha’s waist from behind. When he instantly sags into me, body melting against mine, I know I’m making the right decision.
Pressing my lips to the side of his neck, I murmur, “Can I talk to you for a second?”
“Yeah, sure.” He sets Jade down on the ground, and I smile as Sam instantly reaches out to take her hand, pulling her towards the nearby bench, staying in sight like we always tell him.
I nudge Misha closer to the edge of the pathway, the canyon stretching out before us, and I reach into my pocket, pulling out to two rings.
Dropping down to one knee, I gaze up at him, into his widening blue eyes, and I break out into a warm smile. “Misha Dmitri Tippens Krushnic, I love you. I love everything about you. Will you marry me and make me the happiest man alive?”
He falls to his knees before me, tugging me into his arms, “Yes… Yes... Yes.”
Grinning so widely my cheeks feel like they’re going to crack, I open my palm revealing the two wooden rings, polished and smooth. “I was given these by a man whose life I saved. He carved them himself, and told me to give one to the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”
Misha’s hands are shaking just as much as mine, so getting the rings on is quite a mission, but once they’re on, he looks up at me, a beautiful smile on his lips, his eyes shining brightly. “They’re perfect, Jay.”
♥
I thought I was sinking
I thought I was dying
I found forever in your arms
Somehow you came
And took all my pain away
I know that I can't
Repay all the love you gave
All the love that you gave
I found forever in your arms
♥
