Alone in love
Jared's in love with Jensen. Jensen's straight and oblivious. And that's all fine, Jared can live with that. But when one of Jared's really good friends visits and Jensen begins to have feelings for said friend, Jared might break - just a little. “Cool... he’s just... it’s so nice chatting to him, and, damn, have you seen his eyes? They’re, like, turquoise or something. And the way they light up when he’s excited and - ”
7,000 words, NC-17, bottom!Jared, hurt/comfort
♥
He comes stumbling into the kitchen, simultaneously palming the sleep from his eyes and yawning. He has no clue what he’s doing to me. My eyes slide over his bare torso, down to his crumpled sweatpants and soft-looking sock-clad feet. He’s perfect – soft, vulnerable, stumbling around half-blind.
If he had any idea just how much I want him, he would never let his guard down like this around me. His arm brushes mine as he passes for coffee, and I smile at his hoarse mumble of a greeting.
Jensen Ackles: the man who turned me gay. I know, I know – it’s impossible to be turned gay. Maybe he just triggered it, or awakened it. I don’t know how else to explain that I have never looked at another guy and wanted him to hold me, kiss me, fuck me – and, hell, just the thought of someone inside of me is terrifying, but with Jensen, he somehow defies all logical reasoning.
But even my fear of gay sex isn’t the main problem, nor even the fact that he’s my best friend; the main problem is that he’s straight - and I’m 99.9% certain he doesn’t have a hibernating gay side inside of him like I apparently did.
Straight.
Straight. Straight. Straight. Straight.
That’s him.
Gay – that’s just me. Pathetic, isn’t it?
And – yes, it does get even worse – it’s not just physical attraction. I’m so far gone: I want the full, rainbow-waving, gay love experience. I want to snuggle with him; feel his fingers in my hair; kiss him like we have all the time in the world; be able to hug him for as long as I like without it turning weird.
He’s the one I want to grow old with.
If only he felt the same.
Sometimes it makes me really fucking sad – and ask my brother, when I get sad, I get really, really sad. Like, bawling baby sad. Not that I cry – fuck no. I’m much more manly than that.
Only one person in the entire world knows how I feel – besides me – and that’s Greg. Greg’s known me since I was two – I can’t keep a thing from him without feeling guilty, and for some reason he always knows when I’m hiding something, and this is a big something.
Greg’s convinced that if I just tell Jensen and give him some time to come to terms with it, everything will work out. He thinks Jensen will fall for me. He’s a helpless romantic.
Sometimes, I really wish I could just let it out – but I’m just so terrified that if I lay my feelings on the table, Jensen will react badly, and that, that will kill me.
A sock-clad toe nudges my bare foot, dragging me from my inner thoughts, and I look up at Jensen, my heart clenching at the warmth in his eyes.
“You okay.”
“Yeah,” I whisper back, voice too hoarse. Jerking myself up off the counter, I head to the fridge, hiding behind its door for a few seconds as I steady myself. “Yeah, just hungry.”
“Grab me some juice, will you?”
He smiles breathtakingly at me when I pour him some, and I have to look away. Why does he have to be so perfect? Why couldn’t he have been some cruel bastard? Then I wouldn’t have fallen for him and I wouldn’t be in this stupid mess.
I’m like a twelve year old with her first crush.
♥
♥
And obviously I go and do stupid things like fall asleep on him.
It’s not even my fault – blame it all on Eric and his demonic masochism.
We were watching TV, I was sitting with my feet curled up to the right and Jensen slumped at my left. We were watching Law & Order or something like that – I can’t say I was paying much attention.
Next thing I know, I’m waking up practically on top of him. My head has drooped to his chest, my arm slung over his waist. It’s heaven and hell.
And to make matters worse, while I’m having my not-so-minor freak out, he’s busy munching the popcorn as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.
Once he realises I’m awake, he smears his greasy fingers over my cheek, laughing and teasing me.
Like the best of buddies. Like I haven’t just lived out one of my fantasies.
What makes my pulse rate rocket and my breathing shorten affects him not at all.
It doesn’t matter what Greg says, I know there’s no chance that he’ll ever like me back.
♥
I turn twenty-seven in a month’s time.
I haven’t been laid in eight.
I’ve loved Jensen for three years.
Dammit, where’s my box of Kleenex?
♥
When Greg steps out of the sliding doors, I race towards him, a grin splitting my face in two. He’s my other best friend, and right now I really don’t care if he’s got fragile stuff in the bags I’m tossing; they’re in my way.
And then I’m hugging him.
I haven’t been able to see him as often as I would have liked, our hiatuses were at different times, coinciding only at Christmas, and then we were both usually with our families. But now that Supernatural’s over, I have some free time between movies.
It’s so great to see him again.
Jensen comes up behind me, resting a hand lightly on my back, not realising just how much I feel like melting under his touch. His other hand stretches out to Greg; a warm smile on his lips. “Hey, man.”
They shake hands, only having met a few, brief times before.
♥
“JT... you really like him, don’t you?” Greg gets out softly, his arm sliding around my shoulder, pulling me against him.
“Yeah,” I murmur, voice cracking pathetically. “So...” I clear my throat, “What do you want to do tomorrow? There’s this awesome bar that’s just opened down the -”
He cuts me off, “JT, you know what your birthday present’s going to be?”
“What?”
“I’m going to get you and him together.”
I choke on my laughter, “Not possible.”
“It is. I know that if it were me you were after, and if I hadn’t known you since we were toddlers, I would’ve wanted you like crazy. Jensen just needs a few nudges in the right direction.”
“Yeah, but you’re gay. He isn’t.”
“Just you wait and see,” he says with a grin, tacking me down on the bed and beginning to tickle.
♥
♥
I kind of hate Greg for giving me this hope. That maybe, just maybe, he can help Jensen realise he loves me like crazy and we can live happily ever after.
Each time Greg shoots me a grin and heads out with Jensen in tow, I get this stirring anticipation. Maybe, just maybe this will work. They spend so much time together; Greg must be getting somewhere.
My dreams have all been of Jensen sliding his arms around me, lips brushing gently over mine, his body pressed against mine, whispering, “Happy Birthday, Jay.” Then I usually snap awake, feeling lame and stupid and not daring to hope.
♥
A week before my birthday, I sense a change.
While I’m surreptitiously watching Jensen, I realise he’s surreptitiously watching Greg. And Greg’s watching him back.
Cold ice seeps through my veins.
Shivers creep down my spine.
My gaze drops to my lap.
A hollow emptiness grows inside of me.
I murmur a soft goodnight and head up to my bedroom.
I just want to sleep.
Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll never wake up.
♥
